Wine jokes

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine...
I always get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

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I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

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Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

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It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible...
But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.

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At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

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A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."

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"I'm sorry for throwing red wine over all your dresses in the wardrobe last night," I told my girlfriend. "I've spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me."
"Oh, that's really nice," she said. "What did you use to remove the stains?"
"Scissors," I replied.

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I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.

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I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?"
He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink вееr or wine?"
I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
I replied, "No, nothing like that."
He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sеx?"
I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc."
He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"

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This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."

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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

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I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

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Wine jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Overheard in a restaurant:
She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste."
He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"

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I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand.
Coincidence?

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Wine jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

I wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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How to impress a woman?
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, sтrоке her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN?
Arrive nакеd... with вееr.

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Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked the President.
“Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.
The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

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