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Jokes about Women

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A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.
That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely nакеd and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suск your тiттiеs dry and fuск you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"
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Office and Work Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Wedding jokes
A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem."
The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?"
The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?"
She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"
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Jokes about Women Men jokes Police Officer Jokes
Woman to doctor: ‘Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an оrgаsм.’
Doctor: ‘And what are you taking for it?’ Woman: ‘Pepper.’
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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no вiggеr than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"
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American Football Jokes Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.
He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”
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В бар седи страхотна мадама и си пие питието. Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just... Eine junge Frau saß in einer Bar und genoss Ihren Afterwork-Cocktail mit ihren Freundinnen, als ein junger, gutaussehender, sexy Mann die Bar betrat. Die junge Frau konnte ihren Blick nicht von ihm abwenden. Der junge Mann bemerkte ihren Blick und ging direkt auf sie zu. Bevor sie eine... Трпана седи на шанк и ужива во коктелот, кога забележала еден згоден, отмен и секси маж во кафулето. Тој и приоѓа и уште пред да успее да му се извини за непријатното “зјапање“ и шепнува на уво: -...
Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes
Why do women fake оrgаsмs?
Because they think men care.
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Глумење Weshalb täuschen Frauen Orgasmen vor? ¿Por qué las mujeres fingen el orgasmo?. Защо жените имитират оргазъм? Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. Не понимаю, зачем женщины имитируют оргазм? Они что, думают, что мужиков это волнует? Pourquoi les femmes simulent l'orgasme ? - Parce que les hommes simulent les préliminaires. ou - Parce que c'est toujours triste de voir un homme qui pleure ou - Parce que comme ça le mec éjacule... Por que muitas mulheres fingem o orgasmo? Porque muitos homens fingem as preliminares ... Hvorfor simulerer kvinder orgasme? – Fordi mænd simulerer forspil Po co kobiety udają orgazm? - Bo myślą że to facetów obchodzi. — Чому 50% жінок симулюють оргазм? — Вони думають, що нас, чоловіків, це хвилює! Miksi naiset teeskentelevät orgasmeja? - Siksi, että miehet teeskentelevät esileikkejä - De ce simuleaza femeile orgasmul? - Ele cred ca barbatilor chiar le pasa. Stiti de ce unele femei mimeaza orgasmul? ................ Pentru ca si unii barbati mimeaza preludiul. Varför fejkar så många kvinnor sin orgasm? - För att så många män fejkar förspelet. "Waarom doen veel vrouwen net alsof ze een orgasme hebben gehad? Omdat mannen net doen alsof ze een voorspel hebben gehad." Dlaczego tak dużo kobiet ma udawany orgazm? - Dla tego, że tylu facetów robi im udawaną grę wstępną. Warum täuschen einige Frauen den Orgasmus vor? Weil sie denken, dass es uns Männer interessiert!
Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes
A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”
He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”
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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman out shopping.
‘I haven’t eaten anything in four days,’ he says.
She looks at him and says, ‘God, I wish I had your willpower.’
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Дебелата дама и просјакот Просяк доближил добре облечена дама, излизаща от скъп магазин и и казал: Um mendigo se aproxima de uma senhora cheia de sacolas de compras que ia andando na rua e fala: — Madame, eu estou sem comer há 4 dias. E a madame: — Meu Deus! Eu gostaria de ter sua força de vontade! Dans les beaux quartiers de la capitale, un clochard s’approche d’une femme distinguée qui est en train de faire du lèche-vitrines. Le pauvre homme lui dit d’un air implorant: – Madame, je n’ai pas... Kommt ein fetter Kerl aus der Pommes Bude. In der Hand hat er eine riesen Bockwurst, eine große Portion Pommes und eine große Cola. Am Gehweg sitzt ein Bettler und sagt zu ihm: "ich hab schon seit... Une énorme femme sort d'une boulangerie avec des pâtisseries plein les bras. Un SDF l'accoste et lui dit : - Madame, ça fait 3 jours que je n'ai pas mangé ! - Ah, si seulement j'avais votre volonté ! Lihava rouva oli menossa Stockmannille, kun köyhä ja laiha kerjäläinen ojensi kättään häntä kohti sanoen: - Hyvä rouva, en ole syönyt kolmeen päivään. Rouva katsoi kerjäläistä hämmästellen ja... Żebrak do eleganckiej kobiety: - Nie jadłem od czterech dni. - Chciałabym mieć Twoją siłę woli. A koldus becsenget Kohnékhoz. A kövér Kohnné nyit ajtót: - Nagyságos asszonyom két napja nem ettem semmit! - Bárcsak nekem lenne ilyen akaraterőm. O mendigo vai até um condomínio de gente bem rica e bate na porta de uma madame. Ela atende e ele fala: — Por favor, a senhora não tem um mísero pão para dar a um homem que não come a uma semana!!!... Koldus all az ajtó elott: - Asszonyom, három napja nem ettem! - Bár nekem lenne ilyen akarateróm!
Jokes about Women Money jokes God Jokes
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present.
When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video.
He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video.
On TV, he sees his wife suскing his best friend's d**k.
He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough.
Then she turns to the camera.
"Oh, hello, I want a divorce."
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Divorce Jokes Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Cheating Jokes
A beautiful woman sits next to a drunк in a bar.
He turns to her and says, ‘Hey, honey.
How about you and me getting it on?
I’ve got a couple of pounds and it looks like you could use the money.’
The woman turns to him and says, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?’
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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beauty Jokes
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
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Engineer Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Life Jokes
A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Old People Jokes Fart Jokes Hotel Jokes
At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sеx education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sеx education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important.
” Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sеx education.” “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”
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Sports Jokes Jokes about Women School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Baby Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes
Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky 'egg'lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."
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Looking Good Jokes Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes
If pretty women from the south are southern bells, would that make pretty women from Mexico taco bells?
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Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes
“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
“My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”
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Jokes about Women Money jokes Lawyer Jokes
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying.
A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
“Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman.
Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”
The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying!
You should be the happiest man in the world!”
So the old man says, “I know!
I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”
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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies.
"Get your own blanket."
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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vомiт and says,
"Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
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Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes
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