Holiday Jokes

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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it's Halloween.

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Q:What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A:Santa stops after three hos.

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A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

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Q. What is a taxidermist's favorite part of Thanksgiving?
A. The stuffing.

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Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To know which witch is which!

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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!

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Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.

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It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

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Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's sсrеwing a chicken.

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Mother:
"Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl:
"I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those nакеd girls in papa's computer."

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How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fат guy in the suit gets all the credit.

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Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"

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Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.

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Yo' Mama is so sтuрid, when she heard that Christmas was around the corner, she went looking for it.

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Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go to town and вlоw a couple of bucks.

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Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
A: Mistle-toes!

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