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Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Northwestern!"
Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

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School Jokes

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little ваsтаrd! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiот every time he's on ecstasy!"

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School Jokes

An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITYmortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, hebegan to examine the body. When he rolled it over he was shocked to see a cork inthe man's вuтт. Mystified, he pulled out the cork and immediately heard theUniversity of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's вuтт. Shaken by what had happenedhe quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get hisinstructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what Idiscovered!" Annoyed by theinterruption, he said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery." When they entered themorgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table andpromptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song hequickly replaced the cork in the cadavers вuтт and said, "What's so surprising aboutthat? I've heard thousands of аsshоlеs sing that song!"

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Gross Jokes School Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Student jokes

Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to drive down to Kent to pick him up.

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School Jokes

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're sтuрid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're sтuрid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Stupid Jokes

Q: What's the difference between nerdy co-eds and blonde co-eds?
A: Nerdy co-eds вlоw the curve. blondes вlоw the professor.

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School Jokes Blonde Jokes

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one вrа and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

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School Jokes

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school.
When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"

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School Jokes

What do a virgin and Harvard University have in common?
They're both hard to get into.

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School Jokes

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous ваве sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen.
He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."

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School Jokes

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."

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School Jokes Hotel Jokes

A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"
About 20 students raise their hands.
The professor asks, "Has anyone ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"OK," says the professor. "I'm curious - have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes a step back and says, "Sir, would you be willing to come up here and tell us about your experience?"
The student make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Thank you for being so honest. Now, please, tell us what it's like to have sеx with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?! Dang, I thought you was talkin' about 'goats.'"

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School Jokes

What did the blonde say after ...
What did the blonde say after college?
"Will that be paper or plastic?"

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School Jokes Blonde Jokes

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove ...
Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to people that she wasn't just a dumb blonde. So she asked her friend "how could I show people I'm not just a dumb blonde?"
Her friend says, "First learn all the provinces and their capitals."
So that week the blonde learned them. The next week she was at a party and a man asked a question. The blonde says, "I know the anwser!" Then the man said " What would you know? You're just a dumb blonde?" Then the blonde says, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all the provinces and their capitals."
Then the man said, " Okay, Saskatchewan."
The blonde started to grin.
"What are you grinning about?" said the man.
The blonde said, "Easy. S."

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School Jokes Blonde Jokes

I used to wonder, how come you can't graduate church?
It ain't but one book - can't we finish this one book?

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School Jokes

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish.
The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly.
The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q. Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions.
Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?"
"Absolutely!" says the man.
The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

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School Jokes

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name
deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic вiмво named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's вlоw'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Vаliuм.
Asshole.
Bitch.

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School Jokes Military Jokes Alien Jokes American Jokes

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette look through a dictionary for the hardest words they know.
The brunette's word is "quizzical."
The redhead's word is "sardonic."
The blonde's word is "d**k."

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School Jokes Blonde Jokes

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a вlоw job. I'm talking about jerking off."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes

People get really upset when you use the "F" word.
So much so, that I can't even write the full word out, but have to referto it as the "F" word. However, despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the "F" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" - General Custer"
Any F'ing idiот could understand that." - Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" - Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my аss." - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F'ing hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy
"Who the F is going to know? " - Bill Clinton

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School Jokes Military Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes American Presidents Humor

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