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Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist?
A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

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Life Jokes

Sid and Irv are business partners.
They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies.
Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call.
It's Irv.
"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sеx, lots of sеx. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sеx. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sеx. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?"
"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

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Men vs Women Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Kid: "please could I go 2 the toilet"
teacher: "say the alphabet"
Kid: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz"
teacher: "where's the p?"
kid: "running half way down my leg"

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes

Yo Momma's so fат when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

I need advice please!
My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?

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Christmas Jokes

Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?"
Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Divorce Jokes Relationship Jokes

There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road кill.
The first вuм went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?"
He replied, "No I think I'll wait."
So they continue down the road and the first вuм said, "Look - some more road кill, I'm still hungry. How about you?"
His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait."
The first вuм ate the road кill.
Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street.
Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke.
The first вuм said, "I thought you weren't hungry?"
His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What do u call a police officer that works in bed?
A: A undercover cop.

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

As a child, I was afraid of ghosts.
As I grew up, I realized people are more scary.

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Kids Jokes Insult Jokes Vulgar jokes Ugly Jokes

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hеll!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."
The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini.
By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.
She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your тiтs are hanging in the ashtray."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Boob Jokes

Q: How do you кill an emo?
A: You don't you let depression do the work.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

It was at an amusement park on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 2 kids.
"Who’s enjoying the most?" I asked cheerfully.
"I am" said one.
"I am" said the second.
"No," the father said "their mother is!"

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Kids Jokes Parent Jokes

Yo mamma so fат she walked into the upside down and it immediately turn right side up-

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Yo Momma Jokes

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Money jokes Men jokes

Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!

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Travel and Tourist Jokes

Q: Who was the first accountant?
A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, вuggеrеd up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Accountant Jokes

Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven.
There is a brouhaha.
Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem.
Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls.
It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly.
The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him.
"Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."

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God Jokes Sherlock Holmes Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Yo mamma is so fат when she went to the movie theater people said "Look at king Kong in 3D."

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of мurdеr which was brought by the prosecution. The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict. When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter."Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."

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Lawyer Jokes

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