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During work Mike and John are chatting...
Mike:
"I've been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week."
John:
"Oh!"
Mike:
"For example, do you know who Graham Веll is?"
John:
"No."
Mike:
"He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this."
The next day the same discussion took place:
Mike:
"Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?"
John:
"No."
Mike:
"He is the author of "The 3 Musketeers". If you took night courses you would know this."
The next day, once again:
Mike:
"And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?"
John:
"No."
Mike:
"He's the author of "Confessions", if you took night courses you would know this."
Now this time John got irritated and said, "And do you know who Steven Turner is?"
Mike:
"No."
John:
"He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped night duties you would know this!"
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One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
Police Officer Jokes
Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.z
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBISo, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't кill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT  Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on Lawyers: for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
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Thanksgiving Jokes
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT--
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.
"When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash.
Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunк driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunк driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."
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A police officer stopped a driver for speeding.
"Can I see your driving license?"
"I don’t have it, I had it removed because of point system."
"Can I see your license for the vehicle?"
"But it is not my car, I stole it."
"Stole it?"
"Right, let me think, I think I saw the permition before in the glove box when I put my gun in there."
"There is a gun in the car?"
"Yes sir, I put it right there, when I shot and killed the woman driving this car and then put the body back to the trunk."
"There is a corpse in a car?"
"Right, sir."
After all these he calls the police chief.
And soon the car gets surrounded by police.
The captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
"Sir, can I see your qualification?"
"Of course, ultimately, there it is."
"In fact, it’s OK, and to whom does the car belong to?"
"It is mine, there is my license as well."
"uld you open the glove box, is there a gun inside?"
"Of course, take a look, there is nothing."
"Do you mind opening the trunk too? They told me that you put a body in there."
"No problem, take a look."
"Empty too! But I do not understand, the officer who stopped you told us that you said that you did not have a driving license, that you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
"Oh right! I bet he told you that I was running and speeding!"
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Frank Perdue's lawyer was working on an inspired scheme to sell more chicken.
He called the Vatican and requested a private audience with the Pope.
The request was refused, but the lawyer called again and again, and finally his request was granted.
A few weeks later he was brought into a grand and stately room for an audience with His Eminence.
He knelt and kissed the Pope's ring and explained who he was and who he represented.
Then he said, 'Your Holiness, I have a proposition to make that I think could be of huge benefit to both of us.
I'd like you to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'
It will help my client sell more chickens, and we are prepared to pay the Church $1 million for this.'
The Pope shook his head firmly and said, 'No, young man, I am afraid that it is out of the question.
The words to that holy prayer have remained unchanged for 2,000 years.'
But the lawyer persisted. 'Well, Your Holiness, would you do it for $5 million?' 'No, no,' replied the Pope, 'absolutely not.
The Church holds tradition sacred and does not make changes casually.'
The lawyer stood up. 'All right, one hundred million dollars!
Would you do it for one hundred million? Think of what you could do with that money!'
The Pope reflected silently upon the starving people around the world, the far-flung missions, and the myriad of other financial burdens on the Church.
He looked over at the papal attorney before he nodded his assent. 'Please tell Mr. Perdue that we have an agreement.'
The next day, the Pope called a meeting of the College of Cardinals. 'Dearest colleagues,' the Pope began, 'I have for you some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we are receiving one hundred million from Mr. Frank Perdue to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' 'The bad news, friends, is that we're losing the Wonder Bread account.'
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A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.
“$200″ – he replied.
“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you кill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.
“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators.
He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”
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