Most Popular Jokes

-If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of вееr and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way - this is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" - stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his managers but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse 'til finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she веnт over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, “sack my cook.”
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
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News and Politics Jokes Alien Jokes
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Светска политика Η παγκόσμια οικονομία με παραδείγματα Funktionsweise verschiedener sozialer Systeme anhand eines einfachen Beispieles: Sozialismus Du besitzt zwei Kühe. Eine Kuh musst du deinem Nachbarn abgeben. Kommunismus Du besitzt zwei Kühe. Die Regierung nimmt dir beide weg und verkauft dir die Milch. Nationalsozialismus Du besitzt zwei Kühe.... SI al menos me lo hubieran explicado así en el colegio... SOCIALISMO Tienes 2 vacas... pero el Estado te ordena regalarle una a tu vecino. COMUNISMO Tienes 2 vacas. El estado te las quita y te regala la leche. FASCISMO Tienes 2 vacas. El estado te las quita y te vende la leche. NAZISMO Tienes... Какво е социализъм, комунизъм и капитализъм? Обясняваме с крави: Основни понятия Феодализъм: Имате 2 крави. Вашият господар прибира част от млякото. Социализъм: Имате 2 крави. Давате едната на съседа. Комунизъм: Имате 2 крави. Държавата прибира и двете крави и ви дава малко мляко.... Traditionell kapitalism: Du har två kor. Du säljer den ena och köper en tjur. Hjorden förökar sig och ekonomin växer. Du säljer dem och kan pensionera dig på inkomsten. Ett amerikanskt företag: Du... De verschillende economische systemen uitgelegd aan de hand van koeien *Socialisme* Je hebt twee koeien en je geeft er één aan je buurman die geen koeien heeft. *Communisme* Je hebt twee... INDIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You worship them. PAKISTAN ECONOMICS You don’t have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for... Sosialismi: - Sinulla on kaksi lehmää. Valtio antaa toisen niistä naapureillesi. Fasismi: - Sinulla on kaksi lehmää. Hallitus ottaa molemmat ja ampuu sinut. Maolaisuus: - Sinulla on kaksi lehmää.... SOCIALISMO Tenés 2 vacas. Le regalás una a tu vecino. COMUNISMO Tenés 2 vacas. El estado te quita las dos y te regala un poco de la leche. FASCISMO Tenés 2 vacas. El estado te las quita y te vende... Capitalismo ideal: Você tem duas vacas. Vende uma e compra um touro. Eles se multiplicam, e a economia cresce. Você vende o rebanho e aposenta-se, rico! Capitalismo americano: Você tem duas vacas....
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North vs. South:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South has 'mater samiches The North has coffeehouses The South has Waffle Houses The North has dating services The South has family reunions The North has switchblade knives The South has Lee Press-on Nails The North has double last names The South has double first names The North has Ted Kennedy The South has Jesse Helms The North has an ambulance The South has an amalance The North has the Mafia The South has NASCAR The North has Indy car races The South has Swamp Buggy races The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal The South has grits The North has green salads The South has collard greens and chitlins The North has lobsters The South has crawdads The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners The North has the rust belt The South has the Bible Belt The North has Dan Quayle The South has Bill Clinton
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