Most Popular Jokes

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
An escalator never breaks... it only becomes stairs.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
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Човек отива при психиатър. Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Un signore ha un grosso problema, da anni non riesce a dormire perché è tormentato da un incubo: appena chiude gli occhi sogna che sotto il suo letto ci sono dei terribili mostri. Anni e anni di psicoanalisi non servono a nulla e alla fine vi rinuncia. Qualche tempo dopo il suo analista lo... Psikoloğa başvuran adam ; - Geceleri uyuyamiyorum efendim ,sürekli yatağin altinca biri Varmış gibi geliyor yatağin altina iniyorum bu seferde sanki Yatağin üzerinde birileri varmış gibi geliyor .... O cara foi ao psiquiatra e se queixou: — Sabe doutor, sempre que estou deitado tenho a impressão que existe alguem embaixo da cama! — Isso é grave, mas podemos fazer um tratamento... — Quanto vai... Pacjentowi zdawało się, że pod jego łóżkiem siedzą potwory. Po wielu seansach niezadowolony z braku poprawy zrezygnował ze swojego terapeuty. Po pewnym czasie spotykają się na ulicy: - Nawet pan... “Ik heb een probleem, dokter. Iedere keer als ik naar bed ga, denk ik dat er iemand onder zit. Ik ben bang en ik denk dat ik gek word.” “Kom een jaar lang in behandeling bij mij,” zegt de...
Medical and Doctor Jokes
- Тате, всички ли приказки започват с "Имало едно време .."? A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?" "No," he replied. "A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise ...'" - Papá, ¿Todos los cuentos comienzan con "Había una Vez"? Παραμύθια Син питає в батька: — Тату, а це правда, що всі казки починаються словами "Жили собі дід та баба... "? — Ні, синку. Справжні казки починаються словами: "Якщо ви проголосуєте за мене на виборах... " — Pai, todos os contos de fadas começam com "Era uma vez"? — Não, filho... Tem outros que começam assim: "Quando eu for eleito..."
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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
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Monday - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little danglingobjects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.Tuesday - Today my attempt to кill my captors by weaving aroundtheir feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this atthe top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called 'shampoo.' What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call 'вееr.' More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of 'allergies.' Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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