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Come all ye fair young maidens and listen to me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
Randier than a sailor who’s been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer’s hand an inch above your knee.
First let’s take the paceman, pure speed from first to last!
My darlings do be careful; his ваlls are hard and fast.
Then there’s the medium pacer, his ваlls swing either way;
He’s really most persistent and can keep it up all day!
And watch for the off-sрinnеr, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!
Then there’s the wily ‘slowy’, pure cunning is his strength;
He’ll tempt you, then he’ll trap you with his very subtle length.
So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.
The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..
And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.
Then there’s the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he’s about;
And if you let him settle in, it’s hard to get him out!
We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn’t mind if he’s last man in, as long as he gets a knock.
So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he’s full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he’ll whip them off in a flash.
If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he’ll have you in positions that you never knew before!
The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it sтrоке by sтrоке.
Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You’ll quickly find you’ve had it, when he puts his finger up!
So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
!!!!Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be!!!!!
How’s that !
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A young nun at a convent had one too many sеxuаl indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn’t know WHAT she should do with the baby.
If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.
Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother’s room in the pre-dawn hours.
She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.
She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, “Oh, God! You can’t even trust your own finger any more!”
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NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, liск its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night to the tune of your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to correct this situation. But rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll blame the gophers.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch once your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry: Eat a shoe.
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