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We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
‘Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.’
‘You know where the button is,’ I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. ‘Reset it yourself!’
‘But I’m scared!’ she persisted. ‘What if it starts going and suскs me in?’
There was a meaningful pause and then, ‘C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.’
So out I came, dripping wet and вuтт nакеd, hoping that my silent outraged nudiтy would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
Hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly воdily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a ‘fight or flight’ syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the ‘flight’ option. I know this from experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor вuтт nакеd in front of a group of ‘been-there, done-that’ paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter …… and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
‘What’s the matter?’ They all asked, ‘Cat got your tongue?’
If they only knew!
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Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1:
“I had sеx last night, did you?”
Woman 2:
“Yes.”
Woman 1:
“Was it good?”
Woman 2:
“No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sеx in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?”
Woman 1:
“Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sеx and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!”
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1:
“You wanted sеx last night, how was it?”
Husband 2:
“Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sеx with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?”
Husband 1:
“It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t сliмаx for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!”
Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Sex Jokes
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
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Гинекологът: Гинекологът: На гинеколог гинеколог дружелюбно смотрит на молодую женщину, пришедшую для... C'est l'histoire d'un médecin qui parle à sa patiente : - Madame, j'ai une bonne nouvelle à vous annoncer. - Pas madame : mademoiselle. - Ah. Mademoiselle, j'ai une mauvaise nouvelle à vous annoncer. Der Alltag beim Frauenarzt: "Ich habe eine gute Nachricht für Sie, Frau Beck ..." "Fräulein Beck bitte." "Also, Fräulein Beck, ich habe eine schlechte Nachricht für Sie ..." Гінеколог заходить у кабінет, де на нього чекає пацієнтка. — Місіс Браун, маю для вас добру новину. — Лікарю, я “міс”, а не “місіс”. — Міс Браун, маю для вас погану новину. - Asszonyom, van egy jó hírem! - közli a nőgyógyász a páciensével. - Szólítson csak kisasszonynak, még lány vagyok. - Ez esetben rossz hírem van... Una ragazza va dal ginecologo per prendere i risultati delle analisi e il ginecologo le dice: "Signora le devo dare una bella notizia" E la ragazza: "Signorina prego" E lui: "Ah! allora è una... Dupa consultatie: - Am o veste buna, doamna Ionescu! - Domnisoara Ionescu... - Aha, atunci am o veste proasta pentru dv., domnisoara Ionescu! Der Frauenarzt untersucht seine neue attraktive Patientin eingehend und meint schliesslich freundlich lächelnd: "Ich habe eine gute Nachricht für sie, Frau Sommer." - "Fräulein!" Unterbricht sie...
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24 ώρες ΓΙΑΤΡΟΣ - ΕΞΕΤΑΣΕΙΣ O médico liga para o paciente. — Alfredo, seus exames ficaram prontos. — E aí, doutor? Tudo bem? — Bem nada, rapaz! Tenho duas notícias para te dar: uma ruim e uma péssima. — Diz logo, qual a ruim?... Doktor, hastasına o güne dek yaptığı tahlillerin sonuçlarını açıklayacak; "Size bir kötü, bir de daha kötü haberim var. Önce kötü haberi vereyim. Test sonuçlarına göre 24 saatlik ömrünüz kalmış."... O cara liga pro seu médico e pergunta: — E aí doutor , o que deu no exame? — Olha , eu tenho que dar pra você uma notícia ruim e uma notícia péssima! — Então fala. — A notícia ruim é que você tem... Um médico liga para seu paciente e fala: — Tenho duas notícias para dizer:uma boa e uma ruim! — Por favor diga a boa notícia primeiro! — A boa notícia é que você tem 24 horas de vida. — E a ruim ?... Doktor telaşla hastasını aramış; size bir kötü bir de çok kötü bir haberim var, önce hangisini söyleyim? Hasta kötü olanı demiş. Doktor hüzünlü bir ifadeyle “Raporlarınıza göre 24 sat ömrünüz... Un patient va voir son médecin, qui lui dit : - Monsieur, j'ai une mauvaise nouvelle et une autre encore pire. - Quelle est cette mauvaise nouvelle ? dit le patient. - C'est que vous n'avez plus... A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news." "Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man. "Well,"... A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.” The doctor says, “The good news is, you... The doctor and said he had good news and bad news. The Good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday. Dzwoni lekarz rodzinny do pacjenta: - Wie Pan, po konsultacjach pańskich wyników badań mam dla Pana dwie wiadomości, jedną dobrą drugą złą. Od której zacząć? - Może od dobrej... Na co lekarz: -...
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A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
“Hi there little girl, I’m the leader of the Labour Party,  Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens,” little Suzy said.
“How old are they?” asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“Labour supporters,” answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
And in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,”
When Milliband’s motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”
“Yes sir,” Suzy said.  “They’re UKIP supporters.”
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, “But…but…yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS.”
Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know.
But today, they have their eyes open.”
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The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could
Not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who
Stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he
Knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder
Of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to
Be cured was to have sеx.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After
Some thought,the pope stated, “I agree but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise
There arose a single voice that asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, “First the girl must
Be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sеx.
“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sеx.
“And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is
Having sеx, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
The pope smiled and replied, “She gotta have big t*ts.”
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