Newest jokes - Page 149

A stoner stumbles out of a party and starts walking home.
On the way, he bumps into a man who is вlооdy and mangled.
The man says, "Call me an ambulance!"
The stoner looks at him and says, "You're an ambulance!"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants.
The barman looks at him curiously and says, ''Buddy, you know you got a steering wheel shoved down your pants?'' The man answers, ''Yeah, I know! It's been driving me nuts all day.''

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes

What's my name вiтсh?
A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway. The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, " Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well I actually have a drink named after you? The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' ВЕЕR, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another вееr, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

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Q: What did the bartender say when a priest, a Boy Scout, and a blonde walked in?
A: "Is this a joke?"

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What's the Difference?
A very old, but respected man walked into a local tavern. He looked around at the decor and realized it was the holiday season. He saw his neighbor, drunк out of his mind. The old man stepped up to the neighbor and asked him a question, "Jack do you know what difference between the baby Jesus and your wife?"
"No," replied the dead drunк man.
"Well the baby Jesus slept with a jаскаss one night, your wife sleeps with one every night."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Scottish Jokes

What Causes Arthritis, Father?
A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.
He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"
"Well, I'll be dамnеd!" the drunк mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Priest Jokes

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs through the halls of the asylum. An orderly asks Willy what he's doing.
Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."
The orderly enters another patient's room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.
When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm sсrеwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any раnтiеs..." The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing раnтiеs!"
The man exclaims, "Dамn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

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A Horse Walks Into a Bar...
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

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A Skeleton Walks Into a Bar...
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me shot - and a mop."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've heard this one before!"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A Grasshopper Walks Into a Bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

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A Kangaroo Walks Into a Bar...
A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds." The bartender does not know how he said this or why.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants." The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Pirate Jokes

A Bear Walks Into a Bar...
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of вееr and a.......... packet of peanuts." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Beer Jokes

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunк, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.
As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion - it's a giraffe."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant fаrт?
A: One's a bar room and the other is a BAROOOOM!

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Q: What happens when you mix Viаgrа with Mr. Clean?
A: Rise and shine.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Viagra jokes

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