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Latest Jokes

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

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Attitude Jokes

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.

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Attitude Jokes

Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no.

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Attitude Jokes

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

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Attitude Jokes

I was in court today and the judge asked, “How do you plead?”
I replied, “Usually on my knees when I want to fuск my wife. But I’m here for parking on double yellow lines so fine me and fсuк off.”

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Stupid Jokes

I stood up in the restaurant and tapped my spoon on the side of the glass, “Will everyone be quiet, please?”
A hush fell and everybody stared expectantly at me.
“Thank you,” I said.
I don’t like eating when people are talking.

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Stupid Jokes

My wife said I’m an idiот who can’t do the simplest of things right.
So I packed her bags and left.

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Stupid Jokes

My Cousin:
“Dave, this morning your father called.”
Me:
“Great! What did he say?”
My Cousin:
“This is Dave’s father.”

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Stupid Jokes

I suск at blowing balloons up…
That’s probably why I can’t do it.

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Stupid Jokes

I Just bought this bargain coat from the House of Frasier proper price £200 quid, I got it for £25. It is supposed to be slightly imperfect but I’ve had a good look all over it and the only thing I can find is one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.
Bargain or what?

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Stupid Jokes

Вlооdy hеll. I was looking forward to this tube of Pringles, but there’s only three in there and they’re all tennis ball flavour.

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Stupid Jokes

For some reason I’m really struggling to sell my house at the moment.
I’ve done everything they’ve recommended…
Painted the walls black.
Painted the floors black.
Painted the ceiling black.
I’m even answering the door in a tin foil suit.
I was told to give the illusion of space.

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Stupid Jokes

Cashier:
“Is that 20 note real?”
Me:
“I should fuскing hope so, it cost me a fiver”.

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Stupid Jokes

I don’t like grudges.
My father kept grudges.
I always hated him for it.

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Stupid Jokes

I called my gorgeous ex today and she said, “Stop stalking me? I have a restraining order against you which says you aren’t allowed within 50 meters of me.”
“I know. I just thought you might like a game of Frisbee later.”

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Stupid Jokes

Are you my caddie? asked the golfer.
"Yes, sir," replied the lad.
"And you are good at finding lost ваlls?"
"Yes, sir."
"Right then. Find one and let's star the game."

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Sports Jokes

Today I turned on the television and saw commercials...
Every now and then they were interrupted by some Olympics coverage.

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Sports Jokes

Alex was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary, was about to tee off from the red tees directly in his path. Unable to stop his downswing he nailed the ball, hit Mary directly in the right temple killing her instantly.
A few days later Alex received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy. “Alex, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?”
“Yes sir,” Alex replied, “that’s correct.”
“Well, Alex , I also found a large bruise on Mary’s right hip. Do you know anything about that?”
“Yes sir,” Alex said, “That would have been my mulligan.”

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Sports Jokes

What do you call a guy with no legs and no arms water skiing?
Skipper.

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Sports Jokes

A fisherman accidentally left his day’s catch under the seat of a bus. The next evening’s newspaper carried an ad:
“If the person who left a bucket of fish on the No. 47 bus would care to come to the garage, he can have the bus.”

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Sports Jokes