Newest jokes - Page 311

While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out, "Teacher, teacher, I have to take a рiss."
The teacher, shocked, replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand. And I will speak to your mother for using that word."
So Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to рее!" The teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have вiggеr тiтs you'd be a ten."

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One day Adam and Eve notice God...
One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to рее standing up?"
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could рее standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"
"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.
"Ah, right. Multiple оrgаsмs."

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Men vs Women Jokes

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
"You used to sit closer to me," said the woman. So the man moved closer.
"You used to put your arm around me." So the man put his arm around her.
"You used to nibble on my ear."
"Let me get my teeth."

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Men vs Women Jokes

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get hоrny?"
The second old lady replies, "I suск a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

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Men vs Women Jokes

Q: What has 75 ваlls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo.

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Men vs Women Jokes

A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in the forest.
One day, a sapling grows between them, and each swears that it's not their son. The beech thinks it's a son-of-a-birch, and the birch thinks it's a son-of-a-beech. To settle it, they enlist the help of a woodpecker, who checks it out.
"You are both wrong," he says when he comes back up. "That's the best piece of ash I've ever had my рескеr in."

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Men vs Women Jokes

Ladies, what's the first thing we do when they put us in the room and tell us to get undressed?
Look around and say, 'Now where am I gonna hide my раnтiеs?' Don't you roll them up and stick them in your purse? Or you tuck them down in your shoe? I hid mine so well the other day, I still can't find them.

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Men vs Women Jokes

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: "I want to hold your hand. Er, hands."

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Men vs Women Jokes Animal Jokes

Got Nuts?
A woman walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts. The guy says, "No, ma'am." She says, "Well, do you have any dates?" He replies, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

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Men vs Women Jokes One-Liner Jokes Dating Jokes

Q: What did the nut say to the bolt?
A: "Sсrеw me."

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Men vs Women Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

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Men vs Women Jokes Gross Jokes Boycott Jokes

Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.

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Men vs Women Jokes Nurse jokes Blonde Jokes

Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viаgrа to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Nurse jokes Viagra jokes

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession.
"Today Father Goodwin told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then opened my gates with his key."
"That ваsтаrd!" says Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it."

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Men vs Women Jokes American Presidents Humor

A nun tells other nuns about how she was attacked the night before. She explains her escape, "I stopped and pulled my dress up."
Shocked, the other nuns ask, "And then what?"
"He pulled his pants down," the nun replies, "And then I ran. A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down."

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Men vs Women Jokes

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Q: What's a 68?
A: You do me and I owe you!

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Men vs Women Jokes Sex Jokes

A young woman goes to her doctor and finds out that she is pregnant.She says, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony, and we only practice sеx with our eyes."
The doctor replies, "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

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Men vs Women Jokes

Q: Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and a dozen donuts. Q: Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last donut.

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Men vs Women Jokes Coffee Jokes

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a nакеd woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the huband keeps looking.
She asks, "What are you waiting for?"
He replies, "Autumn."

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Men vs Women Jokes Military Jokes

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