Newest jokes - Page 65

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says:
"Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

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Sеx is like a job, and if you don't do good work, this might be your last day at the office.

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Office and Work Jokes

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

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Q: What is the definition of a "lucky break"?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

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Office and Work Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Did you know that you can get a woman pregnant from аnаl inтеrсоursе?
That's how lawyers are made.

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Office and Work Jokes Lawyer Jokes

This lady walks into her boss's office one day and says, "Sir, I'd like to file a sеxuаl harassment complaint."
Her boss says, "Well what's your complaint?"
She says, "My co-worker Joe said my hair smelled nice."
The boss says, "That's really not sеxuаl harassment."
The lady counters, "But, Joe's a мidgет!"

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Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes

A woman was at work when a man said, "Your hair smells nice."
She went straight to her boss and said, "I've been sexually harassed.
A man said my hair smells nice."
He in return said, "What's wrong with that, it does?"
She said, "The man who said that was a мidgет."

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Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

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A young man got a new job running the register at a store. The old store owner said he would teach him how to up-sell.
"Watch how I do it," he said to the new hire.
As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing, you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut the grass."
"You know," said the man, "I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one."
A customer stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?"
"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass."

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Corporate Воотy Call... Secretary:
Do you mind if my secretary watches?

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Office and Work Jokes Secretary Jokes

My job used to be to watch adult films and tell people what they're about.
People would come in and go, 'What's "Romancing the Воnе" about?' It's about 90 minutes too long. That's what it's about.

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Office and Work Jokes

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."
Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

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What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law.

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Office and Work Jokes

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from law school?
A: A lobotomy.

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes

Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?
A: Curl Up and Dye.

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Office and Work Jokes

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildо. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want that one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the salesman says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The salesman replied, "It's pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos."

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Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: What did the blonde fill in for "Salary Expected" on a job application?
A: Yes.

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Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes

You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

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Office and Work Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

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