Newest jokes - Page 80

Fly like a butterfly sting like a bee I slept with yo mama now it burns when I рее.

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[first day as a pilot]
Control tower: What's your location?
Me: I'm in the cockpit.
Control tower: I mean where is the airplane?
Me: Mainly behind me.

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Aviation Jokes Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Pilot Jokes

A man took a роор in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper.
There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned."
The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suск on it.

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Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday.
But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn't a sign of it in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, "Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?"
"Darling, I really didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far to scratchy."

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Q: What is another name for a gynecologist?
A: A private investigator.

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Women need a reason to have sеx - men just need a place.

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One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church.
"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sасrifiсе for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister.
Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again.
Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith.
"God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off.
However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to рrоd her husband with the needle again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that gоddамnеd thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a***s!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

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Democrat jokes Money jokes God Jokes Political Jokes Tax jokes

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

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A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting on the road. He stops. And he asks him:
- Hey, What happens to you?
- (crying) Look! and he points a crashed car.
- Well, don't care and buy another car.
- Look inside the car!
- Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all.
- Look inside her mouth!!!

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Dirty jokes Car and driving jokes Money jokes Blonde Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

Chuck Norris can set water on fire.
He can also set fire on water.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland.
The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black."
"No, no, no!" says the physicist.
"Only some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."

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What does tightrope walking and getting a вlоwjов from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.

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The first of September, first lesson. Teacher:
"Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something - raise your hand."
Little Johnny immediately raises his hand.
"You want to ask something?"
"No. Just checking how the system works."

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After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.
She warns him that he'll fаrт his guts out.
One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence.
The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Gross Jokes

Yo mama is so sтuрid that she thought starbucks are money in space.

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Q: What was Нiтlеr's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

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Hey girl, your body reminds me of Mcdonalds, because I'm loving it!

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The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers:
"We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base.
Out comes a platoon of black GIs.
The schoolmistress is quite distressed.
"Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.
"Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"

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Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.

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