Animal Jokes - Page 115

A man walks into a bar with his dog. …
…
“This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?” he asks. …
….
“You can have one on the house,” the bartender says. …
The man turns to his dog. “What goes on the top of a house?” …
…
Dog: RRRRoof!!!. …
…
Man:
“What does tree bark feel like?”
Dog: RRRRuufff!
Man:
“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?”
Dog: RRRuth!!.
The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. “That’s enough. You and your dog, get out.”
After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

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My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.

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Animal Jokes

One day a large number of forest animals were watching two skunks having a knock-down, drag-out argument.
The argument was pretty even, so they each turned their backs on the other and let go with their odor, spraying each other.
An old bear standing on the side said, “I guess they each had to get in their two scents worth.”

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Animal Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

When a rattlesnake got loose in the second-floor hall of the science building at my university, it created quite a furor. Fortunately, one of the professors was an expert on snakes.
An agitated student ran to fetch him, urging him to come quickly, as a dangerous snake was loose and terrorizing everyone in the building.
The professor leisurely strolled out into the hall, examined the snake from head to tail, and calmly returned to his office. “It’s not one of mine,” he said, and closed the door.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Science jokes

Four secrets of a happy marriage.
1. Find a woman who can cook and clean.
2. Find a woman who is an animal in bed.
3. Find a woman with lots of money.
4. Make sure none of these 3 women ever meet each-other.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Relationship Jokes

Roger was heartbroken when his favorite dog, Sam, went belly up. He rushed him to the vet, saying, “Do whatever you can for Sam, never mind the cost!”
“Sorry, Roger, but this dog is dead.” replied the vet, after a glance at the animal.
“Sam just can’t be dead.” insisted Roger. “Do something!”
The vet called for Tabby, his big yellow tomcat. Tabby poked Sam in the tail, then in the belly, and finally hissed in his ear. Nada. Roger was forced to accept the sad news.
On the way out, Roger was shocked to receive a bill for $625. “What is this for?” he exclaimed.
“Well that is $25 for the visit…” said the vet “…. And $600 for the catscan.”

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News and Politics Jokes Animal Jokes

Loser: I would slap you but that would be animal abuse.
Me: I would give you the hard stare afterwards but I'm too young to die

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Insult Jokes Animal Jokes

It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability.”
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly.
It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and рее, oh please…” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to рее.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
“Fine,” God said looking back into His bag of leftovers, “What’s left here? Oh yes, ‘multiple оrgаsмs’ . . .”

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
“What you need,” he said, “is a female parrot too. I don’t have one on hand, but I’ll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives.”
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn’t care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn’t her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn’t changed.
“Somebody’s gonna get it tonight! Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” the parrot said.
The owl said, “Who? Who?”
And the parrot said, “Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Вiтсh.

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sеx with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sеxuаl relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s gеniтаls, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sеx for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to кill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sеx with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sеx with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?).
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
55% of all men who have read this post have already booked their flights to Guam, the rest are considering it

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

A Zoo Keeper gets rареd by an Elephant…
…He’s rushed to hospital for treatment.
The doctor examines him and asks why his sphincter has been stretched out to 13 inches when an Elephant’s еrест pen!s is only 5 inches wide.
Weeping, the man says, “The dirтy ваsтаrd fisтеd me first”!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A man and his son were walking down the street. The boy saw a dog walking and sniffing at the ground. What makes the dog sniff at the ground dad? That is INSTINCT son.
A bit later his dad saw a dog sniffing another dog. Do you know why he's doing that son? I do dad, like you said before that’s END-STINK.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it!"

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Animal Jokes

Did you hear about the frog who went to the library to get some reading material? As the librarian on duty suggested a list of titles, the frog was heard replying, "Read it…read it... Read it...."

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Animal Jokes

Two snakes are slithering through the jungle.
One says to the other ” Are we snakes that crush our prey or are we snakes that have poison fangs?”
The other says “we are crusher snakes!”
The first snake then says “thank fuск for that!”
The second snake says “why?”
The first snake says “Because I’ve just bitten my fuскing tongue!”

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Animal Jokes

Q. What is the most popular name for a dog in Korea?
A. Starter

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Animal Jokes

Scientists have discovered that the first known animals to reproduce sexually were an early species of fish.
And the smell remains to this day.

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Animal Jokes Science jokes

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
"Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."
"Really?" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."
The dog says,
"Meow!"

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Animal Jokes Science jokes Math Jokes

Two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the week cave.

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Animal Jokes

What do you call a cat that drinks your lemonade?
A Sour Puss

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Animal Jokes