Blonde Jokes

Most popular in this category

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.
My wife said, “You’ve never held the door open for me.”
I said, “What about the fuскing time you threatened to leave.”

0 0

A plane is about to crash and on it there is a Blonde, Micheal Jackson, a school-boy and the pilot. There are only 3 parachutes. MJ takes one a screams i'm too famous to die, and jumps. then goes the blonde who says she's too pretty to die, and then the pilot says,
"Its ok, you can live you life" to the school-boy, but then the kid says "it's ok, the blonde took my school-bag"

0 0

A blonde and a red head fall out of a window at the exact same time. Who makes it to the groung first? The redhead, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions on the way down.

0 0

I have no idea how to post this... Yes I am a blonde

0 0

I was driving my soon to be hot blonde girlfriend down the highway to victoria yesterday. She looked at the car beside us and said they must be from a foreign country. I looked at the plates and it said beautiful british columbia.
I played along and said why do u think theyre from foreign country. She said well the little boys in the back seat are writing in the window and it says: STIT RUOY SU WOHS.
Later that night we were in the hotel room and she said her воовs are so small and she wanted to get a воов job. So I said my hands are so small. U should give me a hand job

0 0

How to mess with a blond for hours?
Write 'please turn over' on each side of the paper

0 0

Anant to Blonde :
- Dear, u r not wearing раnтy today?
Blonde:
- Yes sir, u r great.. hw did u know that?
Anant:
- I can see dandruff on ur shoes..

0 0

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… тiтs out to here, Dave, тiтs out to here!
She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?”
“I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either sсrеw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.”
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a вiggеr smile on his face.
Dave says “What are you so happy about today John?”
“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing’ my boat, just waxing’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me… тiтs out to here, Dave, тiтs out to here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.”
So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either sсrеw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim!!, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!!!.”
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a вееr.
Dave says “John, what are you so sad for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… тiтs WAY out to here, Dave, тiтs WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?”
“Sure you can have a ride in my boat.”
So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her тiтs and said ‘Its either sсrеw or swim!!’.
Then, she pulled down her pants…. she had a diск, Dave !!!
She had a great BIG fuскing diск!!! ……… Dave, ….. I CAN’T SWIM!!!”

0 0

What is the definition of endless love?
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis
What’s the hardest thing about learning to play tennis?
Telling your parents that your gаy!
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What do you serve but not eat?
A Tennis Ball.
Why are fish never good tennis players?
They don’t like getting close to the net.
How many tennis players does it take to change a light bulb?
“What do you mean it was out, it was in!”
What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball?
“See you round..”
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
To them, “Love” means nothing.
Why is a tennis game a noisy game?
Because each player raises a racket.
Q. Why did the elephant float down the river on his back? A: So he wouldn’t get his tennis shoes wet.
What do you call a blonde tennis player with two brain cells?
Pregnant

0 0

The blonde was told that on their 21st birthdays, each of her older brothers was able to walk on water. So, to maintain the family tradition, on her own 21st birthday she went down to the lake, walked out onto the pier, and stepped off onto the water. She went right to the bottom and rescuers had to pull her out….
…
Later, during her recovery at the hospital, she explained to her parents why she’d done it.
“Oh, Dear,” her mother said, “you don’t understand. The reason you can’t walk on water on your birthday is that you were born in August. Your brothers were both born in February.”

0 0

16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn't they go in?
The sign said 18+

0 0

A blonde and her mother are walking around. The blonde starts falling over and bumping into everything.
"Lilly, what are you doing?" The mother asks. She replies
"For some reason, when I close my eyes, I can't see anything!"
"This is why I told your father we should've adopted an Asian" The mother mumbles. Lilly falls over again.

0 0

A blonde walked into a department store and said "i would like to buy this tv". the manager said "sorry we don't sell to blondes". the blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black. she went back to the department store and said "i would like to buy this tv please", the manager said "sorry we don't sell to blondes". the blonde was furious. she went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return. after a couple of days she returned to the department store and said "i would like to buy this tv please". the manager replied with "we don't sell to blondes". the blonde said how do you know I'm a blonde. the manager said "because that's a microwave"

0 0

Hear the one about the blonde who decided to sell her vacuum cleaner?
All it was doing was gathering dust.

0 0

We all have one gingеr friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde".

0 0

The blonde was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sреrм. The next day the вiмво was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.

0 0

I finally found out why blondes wear those big, jangly hoops for earrings.
Stirrups !!

0 0

I saw a blonde girl I knew today and she was pushing a pram with a half-caste baby inside. I said to her, “How’s it going?”
“Yeah I’m okay. Me the kid and my ex-boyfriend are going on the Jeremy Kyle Show next week for DNA tests.”
“Why, doesn’t he believe he’s the Father?” I asked.
“No it’s me,” she said, “I don’t believe I’m the Mother. He looks nothing like me and we’re not even the same colour.”

0 0

The easiest way to кill/permanently remove a blonde:
Take her outside and dare her to touch the roof.

0 0

Two essex blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Susan..?”
“Yeah. What’s it called, Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What does that mean said Susan..?”
At this stage the assistant offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me’.”
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to susan again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.

0 0