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Business jokes

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The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, and then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fаn of Sir Arthur Doyle” “why would you say that?” wondered the broker. “Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”
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Sherlock Holmes Jokes Business jokes
You all know why the government got rid of the mafia?
They don't like completion.
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Business jokes Political Jokes
Johny went to the butchery, because he wanted to buy a little brain, so he has asked the saleswoman:
"Have you got a little brain?"
The saleswoman has said:
"Yes, we have."
Johny has asked her:
"And is the little brain still fresh?"
The saleswoman has said:
"Yes, yesterday he has successfully solved the crossword puzzles."
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Little Johnny Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Business jokes Customer service jokes
Chuck Norris once sued a Law and Order Company because those are the trademark item names of his right and left legs.
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Chuck Norris Jokes Business jokes
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
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Men jokes Business jokes
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?"
"Five." The man leaves.
He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?"
"Four." The man leaves.
He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?"
"Six."
The man leaves, and the barber says to another man, "Follow that man and see where he goes!"
The man comes back and says,
"He goes to your house!"
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Men jokes Business jokes
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
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Men jokes Business jokes
A man wrote a letter to the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
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Men jokes Business jokes
Strolling into a bank, the моrоn presented a check and asked the teller to cash it. The teller informed the woman that she must first identify herself. Pulling a mirror from a purse the woman looked in it and said, “Yes sir-it’s me, all right.”
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Jokes about Women Business jokes
A guy was fixing up the floor and laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he noticed a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over a package of nails he used earlier.
Rather than to take up the carpet, he decided to get a hammer and pound the package into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. "The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your nails, I found them in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my phone?"
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Jokes about Women Business jokes
A young man named John applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. It was one of the biggest stores in the world - you could get anything there. The boss said,
"You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
At the end of the next business day the boss came around and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said John.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss.
"Well, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe version we have."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered John, "he came in to buy a present for his mother-in-law, who'll come to visit on Friday, so I said to him, 'Well, since your weekend's messed up, you might as well go fishing.'"
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Men jokes Business jokes
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A. M. sharp without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked,
"Would you mind calling me at six?"
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Men jokes Business jokes Hotel Jokes
A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a dамn checking account."
"Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."
"Could you move it along man? I just wanna open a dамn checking account," growled the would-be customer.
"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."
"What the hеll? Just let me open a dамn checking account, okay?"
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the annoyed teller, slipping off his stool and returning shortly with a woman who asked how she could be of service.
"Неll, I just won the TEN MILLION DOLLAR lottery," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a dамn checking account."
"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this МОRОN is giving you trouble?"
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Jokes about Women Men jokes Business jokes
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations...
On a door: "Push. If that doesn't work, pull. If that doesn't work, we must be closed."
Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
Outside a photographer's studio: "Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also."
In a store: "Prices subject to change according to customer's attitude."
Next to a swimming pool: "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no 'p' in it. Let's keep it that way."
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Office and Work Jokes Business jokes
Blessed Be The Tie
A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink. As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel. He asked the man if he had something to drink.
The man on the camel said "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties. Would you like to buy one?"
"No!" The first man replied. "Are you crazy? I need something to drink, not a tie!"
So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days. Finally he came upon a Cantina.
He gratefully approached the doorman at the Cantina and said,
"I'm so glad I made it! Can I get in and get some water?"
The doorman frowned at him. "Not without a tie."
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Men jokes Business jokes
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk ?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
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Office and Work Jokes Business jokes
Job Application:
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I."'
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Men jokes Business jokes Single People Jokes
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks:
“Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".
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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Business jokes
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
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Jokes about Women Business jokes
A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.
"What's your job there?" the caller asked.
The man replied, "I'm the company president."
There was a pause. Then the caller said,
"I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what's going on."
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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Business jokes
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