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Christmas Jokes

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‘Man dies after slipping on ice while visiting his mother’s grave on Christmas Day’
Yet another instance of the mayhem a woman can cause by being out of the kitchen.
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How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
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There once was a Russian guy named Olaf who was mean, rude, and crude. One day his wife and her friend were in the kitchen discussing Christmas. Suddenly Olaf shouted, "It's gonna rain any moment now!"
Next thing you know it starts raining. The wife's friend is shocked. She said,
"How in the world did he know that?"
Without missing a beat the wife said to her, "Rude Olaf the Red knows rain dear."
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My new вlоw up doll I got for christmas has put on weight already after all the christmas festivities.
Maybe I should empty her!
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When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
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Bumper sticker:
"Last Christmas I got a new rifle for my wife. Good trade, don't you think?"
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What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A pine-apple.
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Boy: I'm sorry, can I take a picture with u? I just want to show santa what I want for christmas.
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If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg was New Years... Can I kiss you between the holidays.
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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Но Но Но gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a вrа and раnтiеs, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Но Но Но gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
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Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
"Grandma, I went to the bathroom to рее and bb's came out."
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said "Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it."
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.
"Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!"
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Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart,
The very next day,
Your body rejected the transplant and you died.
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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Try to duplicate presents wherever possible then lose the receipts so that none of them can be exchanged. If they happen to be things you want yourself, so much the better. Just offer to take them back.
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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Buy crackers without any little gifts inside. If you have the time beforehand, put unpleasant little remarks and observations inside them instead. You might try to glue the paper hats together so that they tear when the guests try to open them.
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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Turn up the television when the carol singers arrive and turn off the lights until they go away.
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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.
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My great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas
My so-so grandmother got me socks
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For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."
I haven't worn it yet.
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What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?
Depends, what is yours?
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A Christmas Joke (... Maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
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