Dad Jokes - Page 33

A boy and his mom go to a nudе beach then they see men with big diскs. He asks his mom why they have big diскs and she said the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. Then they see women with big воовs and he asks why are their воовs so big and the mom responds the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. So the boy sees his dad and goes back to his mom and tells her "I saw daddy talking to a very dumb girl and he was getting dumber by the second. KICKASS

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My dad never loved me as a child.
I can’t blame him really.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Dad Jokes

When I was little, my dad used to tell me, for my birthday, he's gonna take me out and show me a good time. Couldn't sleep all night -- he's gonna show me a good time. So, we get up at eight o'clock in the morning, get in the car, drive for hours and hours. He'd take me down to Disneyland. He'd push me up against the fence in the parking lot, and he'd say, 'See that? That's a good time. Come on, we're going home.'

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

The teenage girl asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
Dad says “Ok, but you know what you’ll have to do for it”
So she starts to give him head but stops quickly and says “your diск tastes like sh1t!”
Dad says “oh, that’s right; your brother has the car!”

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Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

Oh Shiт -
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a вlоwjов?”
“What! Are you crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.
“No! Someone might see us…”
“It’s just a small вlоwjов,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”
“No! I said no!”
“Baby… don’t be like that.”
Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you вlоw him, I вlоw him, or he’ll come downstairs and вlоw the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”

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God Jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he brought his cat to school. …
…
Little Johnny replied, “Because my dad told my mom he’s going to eat that рussy when the kids go to school…. I’m trying to save my cat!”

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Little Johnny was learning about government at school so his teacher told him to ask they're parents what the government is. Little Johnny asked his dad what the government was and his dad said that there is the president, congress, work force, people and the future. He explained that dad is president, mom is the congress, the maid is the work force, he is the people and his brother is the future. Johnny still didn't get it so his dad asked him to sleep and maybe by tomorrow he'll know what the government is. In the middle of the night little Johnny woke up because he heard his brother crying. He found out that he had pooed in his pants so he went to ask for help. His mom was asleep so he went downstairs to find his dad. His dad was having sеx with the maid. "Now I know what the government is, the congress is asleep, the president is sсrеwing the works force, know one cares about the people and the future is full of сrар.

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

A teacher asks the class to find out what their mothers do.
Little Johnny goes home, his mum isn’t around so he asks his dad.
The next day the teacher asks little Johnny what his mum does.
He replied, “What she’s fuскing told.”

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Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

My son said, “Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?”
I said, “I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I’d ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.”
He said, “So what happened?”
I said, “Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fuскing Mother.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Dad Jokes

Boy: Dad, I got expelled from school.
Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!
Boy: A kid said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
Dad: So?
Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.
Dad: That's my boy.

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Billy woke up one morning and headed downstairs for breakfast. His dad was already there, reading the newspaper. Billy sat down and was about to eat until he thought about something. "Dad, why do we never see Mom in the morning," he inquired. His father lowered the newspaper to reveal a face of pure excitement, answering, "Look under the table, son."

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

Went to a wedding today.
It was just some girl from the office that I don’t even like that much, but I thought I’d show my face just to be sociable.
Plus, her dad is paying for our honeymoon.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

Son:
"Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'?"
Father:
"It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

I've been a dad for awhile. I've noticed that certain things don't change about a child, no matter what stage of development they're in. When they're really small, just learning how to walk, you always have to tell them the same thing over and over again:
'Watch out. Don't touch that. Don't put that in your mouth.' Now my daughter is almost a teenager. Are we all on the same page on that? Because I really don't want to have to draw a diagram for that one.

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

With his wife out for the evening, a father was trying to watch TV, but his young son kept coming in and asking for a glass of water.
After the seventh glass, the father lost his temper and yelled, "Go to sleep, I'm watching TV."
"But Dad," he protested, "my room is still on fire!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

My dad is a workaholic. He works all the time. I lucked out -- that skips generations.

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Office and Work Jokes Dad Jokes

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p. M. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a. M. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

There is a little girl on a bike and a cop
On a horse. The cop goes up to the
Little girl and says " did you get that
Bike from Santa?" Little girl says yes.
The cop says next year ask Santa for
Some reflectors and the cop gave her
A $5 fine. Then the girl replies hey cop
Did Santa get you that horse for
Christmas. He says yes. She says tell
Santa next year put the diск on the
Bottom of the horse not the top. LOL!!
My dad is trying to get 500 jаскаss!!!!

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Dirty jokes Christmas Jokes Dad Jokes

One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.

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Car and driving jokes Dad Jokes

Man: Is your dad black?
Girl: No. Why do you ask?
Man: Because you’ve stolen my heart.

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dad Jokes