Dad Jokes

Most popular in this category

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “What time did you get in last night?”
“Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, “Then I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car.”

0 0

I used to think my dad suffered from tourettes but it turns out he just thinks I’m a c*nt.

0 0

I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked, “How are you so good at this?”
“Years of practice,” she said.
“Bit of a player in your day?” I laughed.
“No,” she replied, “my dad had no arms.”

0 0

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the сrар out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside the house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the lettering on the door of the car said, “Central Electric Company” and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the сrар out of me again.

0 0

SON: Hey dad remember when I killed that butterfly and you said no butter for a week
Dad: yeah?
SON: and when I killed that honeybee you said no honey for a week
DAD: And
SON: Yeah, well mum just killed a cockroach should I break it to her?
Dad: ......

0 0

Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let's not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, 'Oh yeah, that's not true. That didn't happen.'

0 0

Son:
"Dad, aren't you getting ready to office today?"
Dad:
"I am working from home today. Get ready soon otherwise you will be late to school."
Son:
"Dad, I am not going to school today."
Dad:
"Why?"
Son:
"I am studying from home today."

0 0

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viаgrа and asked if he could have one.
His son said,
"Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said,
"I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "$30 each."
Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $30 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $130 under his pillow and said,
"Dad, I told you it was only $30. There's $130 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said,
"That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

0 0

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said; let's see what you have accomplished. He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. What do you have to say about this Johnny? Well dad at lease you know I'm not cheating.

0 0

"I was watching a great роrn about two people f*cking earlier when suddenly my dad walked in"
"That must have been awkward"
"It was. I didn't even know my dad was a роrn star"

0 0

An eight-year-old kid says to his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.”
The dad says, “I am sorry -- can’t have it both ways.”

0 0

We was broke, and on top of that, I had a cheap аss dad, one of those 'I'll make it for you' dads. Everything I got was homemade, right down to my Schlitz malt liquor вееr can walkie-talkies.

0 0

The following conversation took place between a 7 year old and his dad.
Boy: You know that thing between your legs?
Dad: Yeah!
Boy: Why do girls eat it?
Dad: How do you know about that?
Boy: I saw mommy eating uncle Jeff’s

0 0

Guy: When does your dad get out of prison?
Girl: He’s not in prison.
Guy: Well if I was your dad I’d be in prison.

0 0

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Whats thirty feet long and smells like urinе?
Line dancing at a nusing home.
What is the square root of 69?
Ate something
But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing sсrеwеd up by a period.
What do соw pies and cowgirls have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
What does a rubix cube and a Реnis have in common?
The more you play with it the harder it gets.
How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sреrм count?
You have to chew before you swallow!
Which sеxuаl position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
How is рuвiс hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U. S.
Why did god invent alcohol?
So fат women can get laid too.
What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill!
What did one saggy тiт say to the other saggy тiт?
If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blond electrician.
What have women and condoms got in common?
If they’re not on your diск they’re in your wallet.
What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the аss and say, “You’re next Baby… !”
Why were the two whоrеs travelling in London рissеd off?
Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!
Why is sреrм white and рiss yellow?
So you know if you’re сuммing or going
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Shoot him in the face!
What’s the difference between a реnis and a bonus?
Your wife will always вlоw your bonus!
A recent survey shows that sреrм banks beat blood banks in contributions…HANDS DOWN!
What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
I can’t get a hard-on because I was just layed.
What is Moby Diск’s dad’s name?
Papa Boner
Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not fсuкing blue.
Mom: If a boy touches your воовs say “don’t” and if he touches your рussy say “stop”?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”

0 0

Little johnny came from school one night to hear noises coming from his perants bedroom and he walked in to see his dad on top of his mom and he asked them what they were doing they replied baking a cake little johnny said to his pearants were you baking cakes last night as well they said yess little johnny replied: because i licked the icing off the couch

0 0

Little johnny's teacher was warned before the start of school to never make a bet with him. she understood. school started and little johnny bet his teacher 50$ that he could guess what color underware she had on. she said " ok after class come to to me and tell me your guess. he said ok. during class the teacher slipped out to the bathroom and removed her underware. after class little johnny told his teacher his quess. he said blue. she said nope i aint got none on. she hiked up her skirt to show him. he said ok here is your money, but its fine i bet my dad 100$ that i could see your рussy by the end of the day.

0 0

My dad was Catholic, my mom was Baptist -- which was great 'cause at church we got bread and chicken.

0 0

(Dad) I just got an invitation to my thirty year High School class reunion. I don’t think I’m going to attend.
(Son) Dad isn’t it true that each year the graduating class is larger than the year before.
(Dad) Yes, that’s generally how it works. By the time you graduate son the graduation class should be double of what it was last year.
(Son) My point exactly, based on that I really think you should attend.
(Dad) What point?
(Son) I just did the math in my head and it just wouldn’t be fair to the other two graduates if you missed it.

0 0

Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

0 0