Dad Jokes

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He's like the nicest man in the world. He could say something nice about anybody -- I mean, anybody. So finally one day I got fed up with it. I said, 'Alright, Dad, what about John Wayne Gacy? Killed 35 people, buried them under the house.' My father goes, 'Well, he's not lazy, and he's a home owner.'

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A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Сrавs walk sideways and we walk straight.”
“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family.
He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..
“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunк!”

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An old man walks onto a bus one day. All the seats are full, so he has to stand and balance himself on his cane. The bus hits a bump and the rubber tip of his cane breaks off and he falls. Little Johnny, seated nearby, says to him, "Sir, you have to pull the rubber over the tip more carefully!" The man replies,
"If your dad had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this dамn bus!"

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Little Johnny walks in on his Dad putting on a соndом, in an attempt to hide his еrестiоn Johnnys Dad ducks beside the bed.
Johnny asks his Dad what is he doing to which he replies “I thought I saw a rat”
Johnny replies ” well what were you going to do when you found it, fсuк it?”

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Little Johnny's dad noticed the pet turtle was turning grey and was not going to live much longer. He tried to prepare the boy for the sad event. "Johnny your turtle is not looking so good and he might die. If he does you and I will make a little box for him, invite your friends over and have ice cream, cake, play games, and then bury the turtle under the big tree. Then we will go to the store and get a new turtle."
Dad was satisfied he had done his best and waited for Johnny's response. "Dad," said Johnny after a thoughtful moment, "let's кill it."

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A lawyer’s son was about to enter college. He asked his son "Now how did it get into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"
"Well dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody in a crowd gathered around a heart-attack victim shout out frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

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There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister
"What's the first letter?"
She said "Shut up!"
Then he asked "what's the second letter?"
She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?"
His dad said "Go! Go! Go!"
"What's the fourth letter?"
"64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?"
His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"
The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?"
"Shut up!"
"Are you trying to get in trouble?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Go! Go! Go!"
"How many spankings do you want?
"64! 64! 64!"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

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A boy saw his mum and dad having sеx and they told him they were making sandwiches. The next morning the boy says to his parents 'You made a mess with the mayo !!!'

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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Но-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now ...

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Me: dad i got detention today.
Dad: why?
Me:the teacher pointed at stick at me and said there is an idiот at the end of this stick.
Dad: then what?
Me: i asked which end ?
Dad: that's my boy

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Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says “Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?” The father camel looks down on the son and says. “Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water.” The young camel looks astonished and says “Wow, I didn’t know that!”
A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again “Dad! Why do we have really thick eyelids?” The older father, rather agitated by his son’s curiosity, answers quickly. “So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. “Wow!” The young camel says…
Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. “Dad!”.
“What now!” The father camel asks. The son then asks. “Why do we have huge feet?”
“Well son.” The father camel starts. “We need to tread through the sand and out feet are big so we can travel much easier…”
A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. “What!?”
“Dad…. What the fuск are we doing in a zoo then?”

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Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked,
"What is the biggest number in the world?"
As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said,
"Dad, what number comes just before infinity?"

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When I was a kid my dad used to beat me with his camera, I still have flash-backs.

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A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.
The young son came back to the tent and said,
"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the вiggеr they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really sтuрid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

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Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad…
Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!
Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!
Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?
Bob: I think so…
Little Johnny: Yeah, that’s my father’s ваlls.

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The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)
'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
I searched for the tools
To hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
And we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
My heart skipped a beat -
Let no parts be missing
Or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept веnт at our work,
Till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
There's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

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Dad: Hey son what is 2 x 2?
Son: A tie
Dad: Ok, what is 2 x 1?
Son: An offer

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Vikas was singing in the bath and I could not understand the words so I asked him, "What are you singing?"
He replied, "Dad isn't very good at this song so I am singing it in fast forward "

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Little boy: *pulls down pants* Whats this?
Dad: Those are your prized jewels. Dont let girls touch them.
Little boy: Okay!
The next day
*little boy comes in shocked*
Dad: What happened?!
Little boy: The little girl from next door tried to feel my jewels so i felt hers
Dad: ...

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