Dad Jokes - Page 32

Feminists.
Because every вiтсh with dad issues isn’t hot enough to be a stripper.

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Toy Disclaimers you have probably never noticed...
1. Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
2. Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
3. Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
4. No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
5. Some dismemberment may occur.
6. In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.
7. Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
8. Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
9. Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
10. Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

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Military Jokes Dad Jokes

Teacher: Little Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's just like Santa Claus. I know he's really my dad

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Little Johnny Jokes Christmas Jokes Dad Jokes

Little Johnny and a friend were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. “What’s it for?’ his friend asked. “I don’t know,” little Johnny replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad.”

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Little Johnny Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

A man and his son were walking down the street. The boy saw a dog walking and sniffing at the ground. What makes the dog sniff at the ground dad? That is INSTINCT son.
A bit later his dad saw a dog sniffing another dog. Do you know why he's doing that son? I do dad, like you said before that’s END-STINK.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

There once was this really poor family. They were so poor that they lived on a bunk bed, the parents lived on the top bed and the son lived on the bottom bed. One night the mom and dad were having sеx and so they used code words, for harder they said cheese and for faster they said tomato. The kept screaming cheese, cheese, cheese, tomato, tomato, tomato. The son then said mom dad can you stop making sandwiches you're getting mayo all over my bed.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

Yo Momma so fат when she walked onto the diving board the lifeguard said to your dad, "Sorry, you can't park here."

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Dad Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Once a girl asked her father, dad whats sеx? The father es shocked by this question, with a little hesitation he explanied her about the birds and bees talk, little weirded out the girl said mom was explaning me about the 2 SECTS of christianity......

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

Yo momma so fат You're dad went in , but never came out.

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Dad Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

“Johnny, I’ve had a letter from your Principal, said the father.
It seems you’re very careless with your appearance.”
“Am I, Dad?”
“Yes. You haven’t appeared in school since last semester!”

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Do you know what the hardest part about rollerblading is? Telling your dad you are gаy.

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Insult Jokes Dad Jokes

You haven't got a friend in the world/and you smell like rotten meat/You're also sтuрid/my sтuрid, rotten-meat-scented twin/and you're the reason Dad's always always drinking/and why Mom is always drinking as well.

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Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home
Crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked,
Eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"
"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what
You advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to
Get out."
"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I
Told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart,
Time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell
Her that?" asked his father.
"Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I
Said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

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Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes

Little Johnny asked his dad, "What do you do when you put one foot on the boat and the other on the dock?"
"Swim," replied his dad. "You fall in, and then you swim."

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Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

It is little jimmys birthday again and he is alowwed to do anything he wants.
His mum is in the shower so Jimmy asks "mum can I come in with you?" His mum replies "Yes but don't look up or down!" so little Jimmy climbs in the shower with his mum, at first he tried not to look up or down but he had to. He looked up and said "mummy what are they?" His mum replies again " they are flash lights," Jimmy looked down and said "what's that?" His mum replies a third time "it's a cave."
Later on that night jimmys dad was taking a shower, little Jimmy asked the same question that he had asked his mum the first time " dad can I come in with you?" Dad replies "yes but don't look down!" Jimmy once again got in the shower and couldn't help but look down, he looked down and said "daddy what's that?" His dad replies "it's a snake"
So when jimmys mum and dad were in bed he asked them if he could sleep with them. His mum said yes so he got into bed with them......... Sometime later around midnight Jimmy screamed " MUM QUICK TURN ON THE FLASH LIGHTS THE SNAKE IS GOING INTO THE CAVE!!!!!

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

My mum and dad were arguing earlier. My mum said, “If you don’t like it, why did you marry me?”
My dad replied, “Because your sister was already taken.”
Respect dad, respect!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

Daughter:
"Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?"
Dad:
"When you're a year older than your brother."
The daughter thought for a moment and replied:
"But I'll never be older than my brother, he was born first."
Dad:
"I guess there's your answer. But don't blame me, go talk to your brother."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

When I was a kid me and my dad used to play hide and seek. He’s been gone for 20 years now, where are you dad?

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Kids Jokes Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Мiск Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says. “It’s a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?
Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Dad Jokes