Dad Jokes

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This was one of my dad's favorite jokes:
Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said,
"Sure!"
As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said,
"Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."

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Three things blacks never say that white people say all the time.
1. I’ve paid all the bills for this month.
2. Hi Dad!
3. Thanks for the warning officer.

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Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think."
"Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."

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I once went 12 years without any sеx, drugs or alcohol…
…my GOD, my dad knows how to throw a good 13th birthday party!

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A young boy runs into the police station in Liverpool.
“Please come quick! My dad’s getting beaten up down the pub!”
The duty sergeant grabs his cap and runs over to the pub with the boy, where they see two hefty Scousers beating the sh1t out of each other.
“Which one’s your dad?” says the sergeant.
“I dunno. That’s what they’re fсuкing fighting about.”

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Boy:Mum its my birthday.
Mum:ok
Fue mins later
Boy:Mum can i go in the shower with you
Mum:no
Boy:but its my birthday
Mum:ok
Boy:Mumy whats that
Mum: its a bush
Boy:whats that
Mum:its headlight
After school
Boy:dad can i go in the shower whith you
Dad:no
Boy:but its my birthday
Dad:ok
Boy:dady whats that
Dad:its a snake
Boy:ok
During that night
The boy opens the door to his parants room while they were haveing sex
Boy:Mumy,Dady the snake is going in the bush turn on the headlights. vote kikass please

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My daughter said, “Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?”
I said, “That depends sweetheart, what’s his name?”
“Соrеy” She replied.
“Соrеy what?” I asked.
She said, “Соrеy Ossity.”
I said, “I suppose so, but don’t let him near the cat.”

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So this kids dad walks into his sons room and says,
"Did you know if you маsтеrвате too much you will go blind?" His son says,
"Hey dad, I'm over here."

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“Did I come out of mum’s tummy?” asked my son.
“Yes son.” I said. “I know it’s hard to believe but five years ago you were in there.”
He looked at my missus slouched on the settee. “Dad? Are there still some people in there?”

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Dad: Hey Son! do you need anything from the store while I'm here?
Son: Yah, can you pick up some condoms? i have a date tonight
Dad: Son..
Son: Yah dad?
Dad: You realize you cant get your hand pregnant.....
Son: .....

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Is your dad a baker? Because you’ve got some nice buns!

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I’m not saying my dad’s the jealous type, but we were never allowed to be вrеаsт fed…

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Dad:(hits son with the door)
Dad:(laghing) you just got adored

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The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… …
…
“$500, even money, that I can shаg your mother tonight more times than you sсrеw the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. …
…
It sounds like a sure bet to Josh and he shakes his old man’s hand… “You’re on, dad.” …
…
The wedding and reception go off without a hitch. Later, back home, Josh’s dad climbs in bed and his wife finds him very amorous. When he’s done, he looks over at the night stand for something to tally his accomplishments, No pen or paper, but his eyes rest upon a pointed letter opener. Dave looks at the old, dark varnish on the bed’s headboard and proudly gouges a deep, bold tick-mark into it. ….
…
After a short snooze Dave nudges his wife and they go at it again. A little winded, Dave scratches another tick-mark alongside the first one. …
….
Dave falls asleep again, but wakes up, determined not to lose the bet. It takes him quite a while to сliмаx, and he is quite out of breath. It is all he can do to scratch the third tick-mark and he falls on his pillow and sleeps hard. …
…
About 11AM, he is shaken awake by his son. “Dad! Dad! my wedding night was fabulous! How about - ” Josh stops mid- sentence looking at the headboard. …
…
“Wooohoo, dad! ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN??? Wow, you beat me by three!”

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My daughter has got a reputation for being a sluт.
I said to her, “People don’t want to buy the соw when they can get the milk for free.”
“You’re right, dad,” she replied. “From now on they can fсuкing pay for it.”

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This black boy was in the kitchen and got flour over him, he ran up to his mom and yelled look mom I'm white! Them mom slapped the boy told him to go tell his grandma so he did and his grandma kicked him in the ваlls and told him to tell his dad the boy said "but he's on death row for killing the little white boy! The grandma looked at the boy and said exactly!

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An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know who was it?"
The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"
The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.
When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them:
"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."

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There was a father and two sons. The sons were called Ikey and Mikey.
They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. He shouted to Ikey, "Throw my key out of the window!"
And then Ikey threw Mikey out of the window.

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(Son) Dad since I'm getting married next week do you have any advice?
(Dad) Well son, I've always been the man of the house. Do you know what I mean?
(Son) I think so, I did notice that you do the dishes when ever you want!
(Dad) Exactly!
(Son) Anything else Dad?
(Dad) Yes, do them right after dinner.

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It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the соw and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. “How dare you!” she fumed. “For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the соw and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs.” Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I

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