Dating Jokes

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“Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?” I asked my date.
“Really?” she asked. “What’s the first?”
“A big fсuкing knife!” I replied.
“Ha-ha, you’re funny,” she said.
“Well done, you’ve made a sensible choice.”

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Dating Jokes

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, “whenever it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won’t rust.”
Tht night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents dey take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: Wen we eat, we don’t talk cuz d 1st person who says anyth has to do the dishes.”k”, he says. Dey sit down & no one says a word.
As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test d situation,he reaches over & grabs her воов. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, & screws her right there, But no 1 says a word. Then he grabs the mom n fcuks her too But still, Total silence. All of a sudden it starts to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket… Suddenly the father shouts:
“I’ll DO the FUСКIN’ dishes!
Via Shiromi

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Dating Jokes

Calvin Klein Suit: £1200
Bouquet of Flowers: £40
Candle lit Dinner for 2: £100
Moonlight Serenade: £300
Deluxe Suite in the Hilton: £200
The look on her face as I whip out my 2 inch соск: Priceless

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Dating Jokes

My girlfriend left me for a мidgет the other day.
This broke my heart - I couldn’t believe she would stoop so low.

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Dating Jokes

I told my boyfriend we could watch a роrn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fuскеd the pizza guy.

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Dating Jokes

I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don’t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc’d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

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Dating Jokes

I recently broke up with a girl. She wasn’t very happy about this and to show how sad she was she wrote this as her Facebook status:
“What’s Mickey without Minnie, What’s Tigger without Pooh, What’s Patrick without Spongebob, What’s me without U???”
So I commented:
“That would make you a Fcking Stpid Dmped Cnt”

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Facebook Jokes Dating Jokes

I’ve been playing online poker for about a year now. Last night my girlfriend told me it’s either poker or her.
I think she’s bluffing.

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Dating Jokes

Yesterday I was introduced to a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger…. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

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Dating Jokes

My ex-girlfriend often told me to stop being so competitive.
Like I was ever going to let her come first.

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Dating Jokes

I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.

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Dating Jokes

What’s the best way to cure erectile dysfunction?
Get yourself a hotter girlfriend.

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Dating Jokes

Here’s a tip for you:
When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.
This way, if they ever leave you, they’ll get withdrawal symptoms, think it’s love, and come back.

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Dating Jokes

A boy takes a girl into his bedroom, he pulls down his pants, winks and says,
“I’d like you to meet my little brother.”
The girl picks up her bag, turns to leave, and says,
“Call me when he fuскing grows up”

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Dating Jokes

I always try and date homeless girls.
It’s easier to get them to stay over.

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Dating Jokes

The girlfriend and I had our first shower together today.
She could see I was a little nervous so said “Relax, just do what you normally do.”
So I had a рiss.

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Dating Jokes

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure
I say this because just like treasure, you’ll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

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Dating Jokes

When I broke up with my girlfriend she started crying and said I was a self-centred ваsтаrd.
You should’ve seen the look on my face.

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Dating Jokes

I slipped some rohypnol into my girlfriends drink last night.
It was the best six hours of my life. I finally got to play my PS4 without being interrupted

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Dating Jokes

What is almost guaranteed to bring her back for more?
It’s called the Australian Kiss.
You kiss the lips that are “Down Under.”
Also known as the Farmer’s Kiss, as you plow the groove with your tongue.

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Dating Jokes