Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

Patient: Doctor, I have a tendency to gain weight in certain places. What would you recommend?
Doctor: Stay out of those places!

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My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born nакеd, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be sтuрid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies:
"It's very simple. You're two tents."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer. For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make. The doctor said,
"Stethascope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton. The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try. The engineer said,
"Slide-rule, go!" (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge. The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick? The lawyer said. "Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and sсrеwеd the other two dogs.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dog jokes

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sеxuаl performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viаgrа, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Viagra jokes

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.
'Doc, there's something wrong with me.
Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe.
Can you tell me what the problem is?'
'Sure,' the doctor said. 'You have way too much time on your hands.'

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean
"This should be taken care of right away."
Meaning: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Well, what do we have here...?"
Meaning: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
Meaning: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Meaning: I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
- Or -
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
Meaning: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Meaning: Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Meaning: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
Meaning: He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Meaning: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Meaning: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Meaning: I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Meaning: Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
Meaning: I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
Meaning: The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Meaning: Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
Meaning: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
Meaning: That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Meaning: I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes BMW jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said,
"You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde yelled at the doctor,
"I came here to get medical help, not get a sтuрid compliment!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked. At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested. Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Priest Jokes

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged."Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "but the house does not make doctor calls."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

An obstetrician delivers a baby for a beautiful young woman. The baby has blue eyes, blonde hair, black skin and narrowed eye groves.
"You should be more careful with the оrgiеs you have" - the doctor says.
"I just thank God he is not barking" - she answered.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Jim is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says,
"Jim, all of us use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit, which consist of a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Jim asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies,
"Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your ваlls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of ваlls I've ever seen', you hit her with the shovel."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah.. My wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."
"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah... I told him once... Doctor... Every morning when I get up and look in the mirror.. I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said.. I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"My dentist has bad breath...... Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion... He said... Alright... You're ugly too!"
"I was so ugly... My mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dentist Jokes

Lady (to her doctor):
"What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."
Doctor:
"How come?"
Lady:
"According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.
"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
However, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
Therefore have to pay.
We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000"
"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient.
"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous red haired beauty.
"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added:
"Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes