Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

Teacher:
"If you bought 8 hotdogs,9 cheese burgers and 7 fillet o fishes and you ate 8 hotdogs 9 cheese burger and 7 fillet o fish what do you have at the end?"
Little Johnny:
"A bad blatter issue."

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Who invented viаgrа?
Mr Hardick of course!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Viagra jokes

Chuck Noris once got his blood tested.
His blood type was AK-47.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says,
"Is my wife here?"
His wife replies,
"Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."
The man goes, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Doctor:
"I've got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live."
Patient:
"What could be worse news than that?"
Doctor:
"I've been trying to contact you for the last 6 days."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

"Doctor, Doctor, I have a hoarse throat."
"Well I hate to break it you, but the resemblance doesn't end there."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the gеniтаls.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your реnis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't рiss in your eye."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

I went to see my doctor this morning. “Some one decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged.
“So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked.
“I can't understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 23 plastic toy horses inserted in his rестuм.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

"Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
"It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist."
"I was on my way there when I saw your light on."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.
The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said,
"Cure it, I want to prolong it!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank. Co. Nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.
He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.
She told the doctor that she didn't care.
The doctor called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.
"I know!" he said. "I peeked."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
"I have the solution for you," replied the doctor.
"Really, what is it?"
“Well, try getting up half an hour later."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said,
"Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said,
"But I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

I went to the doctors recently. He said,
"Don't eat anything fatty."
I said,
"What, like bacon and burgers?"
He said,
"No, I mean you, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Grandparent Jokes

An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The doctor said,
"I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes