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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E,F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K ?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
Three women are seated in the doctor’s office waiting room one day.
The doctor calls the first one in. When he examines her, he sees a big “Y” on her chest. He asks, “Why do you have a big “Y” on your chest?”
She replies, “That’s from my boyfriend’s sweater. You see, my boyfriend went to Yale, and when we make love he likes to wear his Yale sweater.”
“I see,” the doctor says. He completes her examination and then calls in the next woman. When he examines her, he sees a big “H” on her chest.
Again, the doctor inquires about the letter. “How did you get a big “H” on your chest?” he asks.
The woman replies, “That’s from my husband’s sweater. He went to Harvard, and when we make love he likes to wear his Harvard sweater.”
The doctor nods his head and completes her examination. He then calls in the last woman. She also has a letter on her chest, a big “M.”
“Don’t tell me,” he says. “Your boyfriend went to Michigan!”
“No,” she says. “My girlfriend went to Wisconsin.”
Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”
The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
Now published by
Court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.
What is your date of birth?
July 15th.
What year?
Every year.
How old is your son, the one living with you?
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
Forty-five years.
- _______________________________
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
Woke up that morning?
He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
- _______________________________
How was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
- ________________________________
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
- ________________________________
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
A pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
Began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A Florida couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a sеx therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’…
The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sеxuаl inтеrсоursе?’…
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sеxuаl advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have inтеrсоursе.’ He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye….
…
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sеx therapist to watch again. The sеx therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has inтеrсоursе with no problems, pays the doctor, then they leave….
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’ …
…
The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married; so we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me a net cost of $7.’
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sеx with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sеxuаl relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s gеniтаls, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sеx for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to кill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
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In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sеx with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sеx with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?).
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55% of all men who have read this post have already booked their flights to Guam, the rest are considering it