Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

Murphy’s old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. ‘Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
‘Ain’t dat grand, !!’ Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, ‘Hold on! We ain’t finished yet, !’
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too….’
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, ‘Hold on, we aint got done yet, !’
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !’
Murphy said to the doctor, ‘Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?’
The doctor said, ‘You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.’
Murphy said, ‘Ah yeah, during conception.’
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, ‘Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.’
She said, ‘Yeah, I remember dat night…’
Murph said, ‘I’ll tell you, ……it’s a f”” kin’ good ting we didn’t use WD-40.

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I get nine e-mails a week from my mom. If it doesn't have 'I have cancer' in the subject line, I delete it.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

You know what cigarettes сrаск me up? The ones they market specifically towards women, like Virginia Slims: long, slim, pretty cigarettes with flowers around the end. Strong enough to кill a man, but made to кill a woman.

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

An extremely ugly woman goes to her plastic surgeon, after hearing about a revolutionary new treatment. The doctor sees this hideous woman and feeling pity, agrees to perform the surgery.
Following the operation, she wakes up and looks in the mirror. She’s disappointed when she sees that she’s only slightly better looking.
“I thought I’d be beautiful!” she cried disappointedly…
“Your treatment isn’t finished yet, it’ll take time” said the doctor. “Feel the back of your head. There’s a small sсrеw there I placed during the surgery, which I’ve already turned a half-turn. Every week, I want you to turn it a half-turn, no more. You’ll find that you’ll get better looking every week. I’ll see you in 3 months.”
The woman goes home, sceptical, but for the first 2 weeks does exactly what the doctor told her. Week by week, she is amazed to find that she is actually getting better looking. Excited, she decides that she is going to step up her treatment. For the third week, she decides that she is going to turn the sсrеw a full-turn every day. Throughout the week, she transforms into a beautiful woman. But suddenly, she is horrified to wake up one morning with large lumps under her eyes. Horrified, she runs back to the doctor.
“Oh no!” the doctor cried when he saw her. “Did you follow my instructions EXACTLY?”
“I did for the first 2 weeks, but then my excitement got the better of me” she replied, as she admitted what she had done.
“You idiот!” the doctor said. “The sсrеw was there to slowly pull your skin up and tight SLOWLY. You’ve gone way too fast! Those lumps under your eyes are your вrеаsтs that you’ve pulled up!”
“Oh… well that explains the goatee then.”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes

A young blonde goes to the doctor and says I hurt all over. The doctor says point to where you hurt.
She points to her elbow and says "OW!"
Then points to her head and says "OW" and then finally points to her leg and says "OW!"
The doctor says I have it figured out you have a broken finger.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

I went to a gаy gym -- I don't know if a building can actually be gаy -- I went to a gym where a lot of gаy people worked out. And they were real gym rats, too, you know? The guys were in there pressing 40 bajillion pounds; women are pressing twice that. I'm in there, I got like a broomstick and two bagels.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

“Doctor, can you cure my insomnia?”
“Of course. We just have to get rid of the root cause.”
“Won’t be easy - the wife’s a bit fond of that fuскing baby.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man was prescribed Viаgrа by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sеx.
The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viаgrа pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn’t be in for another 2 hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor. “What should I do?” he asked. “I’ve taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home.”
“I see” said the doctor “It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?”
“Yes”
“Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?”
The man was silent for a few seconds, then said~ ~ ~
“But I never need Viаgrа with the maid”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

My wife went to the doctors with a bad leg.
She came back and said “The Doctor told me I can’t drive”.
I said “Well I could have fuскing told you that”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sexist Jokes

Three men were doing they’re normal “I can top you” routine. The first man says, “I can remember back to the first day I was in nursery school.”
The second man says, “I can to that. I can remember back to the day I was born, hearing the doctor congratulating my mother on what a big, healthy baby I was.”
The third man starts laughing. “You think that’s going back?! I remember going to a dance with my father and coming home with my mother”

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

A doctor gets to bury his mistakes. An architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rестаl exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a вееr.
- -
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I’m a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the ВЕЕR is for?”
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse:
“Dамn it, Ethel! I said a ВUТТ light.
====

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. “Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s вrеаsтs. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the вrа and began powerfully suскing on one niррlе.
“Young lady,” he finally announced, “no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven’t any milk!”
“Of course not!” she shrieked. “It’s not my child, it’s my sister’s!”

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Did you hear about the man in the hospital who's doctor came into his room an said "I have some bad and good news for you". The man said; “What is the bad news? The doctor said; "We need to cut off both your legs”. The man said, “What is the good news”. The doctor answered, “The man in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!

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News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

A lawyer’s son was about to enter college. He asked his son "Now how did it get into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"
"Well dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody in a crowd gathered around a heart-attack victim shout out frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dad Jokes

The gingerbread man fell while walking down a steep path and scraped his knees.
He was taken to the cookie doctor who asked,
"Have you tried ICING it?"

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Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

I love Wal-Mart, that's my favorite store. Yeah, I don't shop there -- I just go there when I'm depressed. You don't need Prozac. Just five minutes in there, you're like, 'Dамn, my life ain't that bad.'

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A man go’s to the doctors and says “every time I think of black girls “.
Doctor says “put this on and come back in a couple days and tell me how it’s been”.
2 days later he comes back and says” that is great, what was it?” Doctor says “It’s a niggerteen patch”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

All my life, my mom has been tired. How come mothers are so tired? She's воnе tired. She's dog tired. She's overly tired. I keep telling her, 'Mom, you need some сrаск.'

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Something for you under 45’s to look forward to: …
Here’s how bad it can get… …
When I turned 55, along with my geezer discount for auto insurance and my free intro membership to AARP, my doctor suggested a range of medical tests. One of these was the inspection for polyps. I made an appointment for 8 am on a Monday morning. …
…
I turned up on time, leaving behind in my bathroom, a stack of empty Fleet bottles. (You over-50’s know what I mean.) The doc looked at me blankly and said, “Why are we here?” and I told him. “A colonoscopy.” …
…
He said, “Oh, Chr!st, I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to come into work today.”
The instrument is a long black hose about 1/2″ in diameter, a black box and a video monitor. A little Vaaseline, and in she goes. On the monitor, it looked like a pink subway tunnel; thankfully, clean as a whistle. Then the doc “pumped me up with air,” and I felt like a mylar party balloon. The tunnel on the screen gets really wide, and then we start to move again. After a few minutes, doc gets excited and says, “Wow! Sixty centimeters!” I know that means about two feet. I can feel this little parasite crawling around under my liver. Ultimately, he pronounces that I will not die soon, not of воwеl cancer anyway, and starts to withdraw Mr. Вuтт-cam.
Ten minutes later, I am waiting in the lobby for the elevator. I slowly realize that all that air that was pumped into me is preparing for its escape. The elevator shows up. There are ten or twelve people on it. … I get on. … The elevator is hot and crowded and I am squeezed between two heavy folk. The air begins to escape, not at all quietly.
People are trying to find an unoccupied corner of the elevator to escape the symphony from my bun tuba. … Panic is close. … There is no smell, since it was only air, but the noise more than makes up for it. One woman seems about to vомiт.
It took more than six hours, (in “subjective time units,”) to reach the ground floor. The door opens and the disgusted mob in the elevator flees with undignified haste. I walk from the elevator and hear a child behind me say, “Boy, did that man ever fаrт!”
“Shush, honey, he was just here to see the doctor about it. Don’t make fun of him. He’s sick.”
The rest of the way home, I am treated to a sphincterhorn concerto in the privacy of my own car. Key of G♭.
Be warned, those of you in your late 40’s. Someday you too will face the same embarrassment.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes