Medical and Doctor Jokes

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- Ever wonder.
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- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
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- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
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- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid.
- Made with real lemons?
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- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
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- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why.
- Don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
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- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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- If соn is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes
News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes
Eric hasn’t felt well for days, so he visits his doctor on Monday. The doctor examines him, does some blood tests and gives Eric a prescription for acid reflux. Eric schedules a follow-up apointmennt for Friday.
Doctor: Eric, I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?
Eric: Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess.
Doctor: You have advanced pancreatic cancer and you tested positive for НIV. With the proper therapy you may be able to live another three to four months.
Eric: Oh no! But doctor! you said there is GOOD news! What is the good news?
Doctor: Oh yes, there is good news… You know my really good-looking receptionist?
Eric: Yes
Doctor: So hot she takes your breath away just looking at those dark eyes, the perfect teeth when she smiles
Eric: Yes, that’s Nurse Jensen. But you mentioned some GOOD News, doctor
Doctor: Yes, nurse Jensen, in her perfect, crisp, white tight uniform, with more than a hint of décolletage, the display of those enormous Double Dee melons…
Eric: Doctor! You said there is GOOD news! What, pray tell, is the GOOD News?
Doctor: I am getting to the good news! Now where was I? Oh yes, Nurse Jensen! Ahhh, those beautiful legs, perfectly shaped calves and thighs, ascending to the Gates of Paradise! The most perfect аss you ever feasted your eyes on…a body that just won’t quit…
Eric: Doctor! Please! Please tell me the GOOD news!
Doctor: The Good News, my dear Eric, is that I’m taking nurse Jensen out to dinner tonight at the most expensive French Restaurant in town. I’ve rented the Lover’s Suite at the BerkShire Hotel. and who knows where the night will end?
News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Hotel Jokes
A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..
“I’m afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn’t even have a proper name.
Bad news is.. you only have six months to live…”
The man goes home and tells his wife.
After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.
So they both go down to Gala Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine.. and wins £200.
He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.
He then plays the national link and wins £20000.
Upon receiving the money the MC says “you must be the luckiest man alive.
You win £200, all the bingo money and £20k national.”
The man says “I have Yellow 42”
“Fuск me” says the MC, “you’ve won the frickin’ raffle as well”
News and Politics Jokes Nationality Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes
The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure".
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,".
4. You ask for Viаgrа. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual вrеаsт exam conducted at Ноотеrs.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rестаl thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an over-sized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Military Jokes
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: … …
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(1) “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” …
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(2) “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?” …
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(3) “Were you present when your picture was taken?” …
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(4) “Were you alone or by yourself?”
(5) “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
(6) “Did he кill you?”
(7) “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
(8) “How many times have you committed suicide?”
(9) Q:
“So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
“Yes.”
“And what were you doing at that time?”
(10) Q:
“She had three children, right?”
“Yes.”
“How many were boys?”
“None.”
“How many were girls?”
(11) Q:
“You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
“Yes.”
“And these stairs, did they go up also?”
(12) Q:
“All your responses must be оrаl, OK? What school did you go to?”
“Оrаl.”
“What city do you currently reside in?”
“Оrаl.”
(13) Q:
“Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
“The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.”
“And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
“No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
(14) Q:
“You were shot in the fracas?”
“No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”
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A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues.
‘Johnny!’ Mom screams. ‘Knock it off.’ You’re going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.
It’s a diarrhea run!!!
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing.
She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and роор is everywhere.
It’s on him, the walls, etc.
‘Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?’ she asks.
He says, ‘I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fаrт !'”
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Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said,
“Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The biker then took a big swig from his вееr, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a viвrатоr. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.”
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