Medical and Doctor Jokes

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And there's a reason for this, why men experience pain more acutely than women -- that's because there's always part of a woman's brain thinking about shoes.

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A man graduated from veterinary school then took a course in taxidermy. He now has a sign in his Doctor's office that reads, "Veterinarian/Taxidermist - Either way - you get your pet back".

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I was at the doctor this week. He says, 'Joe, you should really try and be the perfect weight.' So I looked behind him on the chart, and it turns out, I'm still within the parameters of being the perfect weight. Apparently, I'm the wrong height.

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“Doctor, doctor!” said the panic-stricken woman, “my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?”
“Quite simple,” said the doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite - haul it out.”
“Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.”
“What do you want a cod’s head for?”
“Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to get the cat out first!”

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A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viаgrа pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viаgrа do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs..’

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A man went to see his doctor and said, “Doctor, can you help me out?”
The doctor replied, “Just turn around and go back the way you came in, you sтuрid сunт.”

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I was tired, so I got me one of them energy drinks... They tell you they give you a boost, give you energy, right -- give you wings? Yeah, if you drink one of 'em. What they don't tell you: if you drink four of 'em, you're liable to be out on the hood of the car, nакеd.

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This woman, who believed in natural birth, was having these abnormal contractions, went to see her Doctor. "Doc", she said,
"I'm feeling these abnormal contractions"
. The Doctor took a listen, and said:
"My dear lady, you’re going to be having triplets!"
Baffled, the woman asked:
"How can you tell?"
The Doctor responded:
"I hear inside:
"No, you go first!"
"No, you go first!" No, you go first!"

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I have a friend tells me he can get by on one hour of sleep. To me, this is crazy. It's like someone bragging that they only need one tooth to chew. You know, you might do it with one, but you look a helluva lot better with more.

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Blonde: *calling the doctor surgery*
Doctor: Dr. Raymond speaking, how may I help you?
Blonde: I'm going to have to cancel my 2 o' clock appointment I am afraid.
Doctor: Oh, why is that?
Blonde: I don't feel well.

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I went to my doctor and during my examination I confided in him that I seem to have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times… …
…
Without hesitation, my doctor said, “You have a gag reflex.”

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A Man rushed into a doctor's office, jumped on his back, and started screaming, "One! Two! Three! Four!"
"Wait a minute!" yelled the doctor, trying to get free. “What do you think you're doing?" The man said,
"Well doctor, they did say I could count on you!"

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My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu. She was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.
After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor asked my daughter, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?”
After a brief pause, my daughter replies, “My little brother Steven, he always breaks my toys.”

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I went to the doctor last week. I told the doctor, 'I think I'm dying.' He said, 'You ain't dying; you're too broke to die.'

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Doctor: Do you drink or smoke?
Kid: No
Doctor: *Under his breath* What a loser.

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I’m a registered nurse, not a doctor, but here’s the story:
Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.
The patient goes home, etc. He comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange."
At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and then says "and then I eat the orange."

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Johnny was obsessed with women’s вrеаsтs, so he went to a psychologist and told him his problem.
“Let’s play a little word association game,” the doctor said. “I’ll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.”
“Plums,” said the doctor.
“Вrеаsтs,” Johnny said.
“Oranges.”
“Вrеаsтs,” Johnny replied.
“Watermelons.”
“Вrеаsтs,” said Johnny
“Wipers.”
“Вrеаsтs,” Johnny said.
“Wait a minute!” the doctor said. “I can understand the connection between plums, oranges, watermelons and вrеаsтs. But, automobile wipers? Where’s the connection?”
“Easy, doc,” Johnny explained, “one on the left and one on the right!”

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"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

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“Doctor,” says the receptionist, “the patient you just treated has died on his way out the door. What should I do?”
“Just turn him around,” says the doctor, “so it looks like he died on the way in.”

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You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents

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