A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a вееr?" The bartender replies,"For you, no charge." 17 0 0
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. 19 0 0
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…“Mr Cook?”“Yes,” I replied.“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”I said, “That’s вullshiт – my dog doesn’t have a bike!” 21 0 0
A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm.The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms.The bartender says:"Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"The guy begs him:"Look, I'm desperate.We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk.With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.The bartender says:"Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!What does the dog do if Raptors win?"The owner replies:"I don't know, I've only had him for a half year." 22 0 0
‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain 23 0 0
"Does your dog bite?""No."(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!""That is not my dog." 23 0 0
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk.The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk.The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk.However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off. 21 0 0
Jag gifte mig aldrig. Det behövdes inte. Jag har redan en hund som morrar på morgonen, en papegoja som svär på eftermiddagarna och en katt som kommer hem sent på natten. I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband.I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. 23 0 0
A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog.After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man.However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner.The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction.He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated.As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him.The man thinks for a moment and then responds:"Could you take the dog for a walk?" 23 0 0
Watson came excitedly to Sherlock Holmes place and told him his dog had swallowed his ring. Sherlock told Watson,"Don't worry. He will pass it eventually". Watson replies,"Thank you very much, Sherlock". Sherlock says to Watson:"It's alimentary, my dear Watson" 0 0 0
Ένας κτηνοτρόφος πηγαίνει να εξομολογηθεί Ο αμαρτωλός Αγρότης Фермер се изповядва: Докторот го прашува Трпе: Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says "I'm in love with my dog." "Well that is not so unusual, millions of people love their dogs." "But doctor, you don't understand. I'm physically attracted to my dog. I'm in love with my dog." "Well, is your dog male or female?" "Female, of course, what the... Arzt: „Was fehlt Ihnen?“ Patient: „Herr Doktor, ich liebe meinen Hund.“ Arzt: „Tut mir Leid. Als Krankheit ist das nicht anerkannt. Ich kann da nichts machen.“ Patient: „Aber Herr Doktor, ich liebe meinen Hund physisch …“ Arzt: “ Oh, ist es eine Hündin oder ein Rüde?“ Patient: „Eine Hündin... C'est un gars qui va chez le psychiatre et qui dit: - Docteur, je suis amoureux de mon cheval... Je le désire sexuellement! Le psy répond: - Hmmm, je vois ce que c'est. Et votre cheval, c'est un... Herr Schmitz zum Arzt: "Herr Doktor, ich liebe mein Pferd." "Na und - jeder liebt sein Tier. Ist doch nur natürlich, dass sie ihr Pferd lieben." "Herr Doktor - ich liebe mein Pferd auch physisch... "Ik ben verliefd op mijn paard", sprak de nerveuze man tegen de psychiater. "Dat is toch niet iets om u zorgen over te maken?" sprak de arts. "Veel mensen zijn gek op hun dieren. Mijn vrouw en ik... En man besökte den berömde psykiatrikern och sa, - Jo, herr doktorn. Mitt problem är som så att jag blivit extremt förälskad i en häst. - Vad då för slags häst? smålog läkaren. - Ett sto... Un homme va chez son psy et lui dit : - Docteur, il faut que je vous dise, je suis tombé amoureux de mon cheval... - De votre cheval? - Oui docteur de mon cheval, et je le désire sexuellement... -... A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. “I’m in love with my horse,” he said .“But that’s nothing,” replied the shrink. “A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.”“Ah, but doctor,” the patient replied. “It’s a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.”“Ahhh!” exclaimed the doc. “What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?”“Female, of course,” said the dude. “What do you think I am, a faggot??!” 0 0 0
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem. 2 0 0
• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"* 3 0 0