Jokes about Dogs

They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

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I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s вullshiт – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

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Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dog jokes

A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms.
The bartender says:
"Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him:
"Look, I'm desperate.
We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says:
"Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
What does the dog do if Raptors win?"
The owner replies:
"I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."

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Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain

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Money jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."

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Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk.
The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk.
The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk.
However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

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Animal Jokes Science jokes Dog jokes

I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dog jokes

A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog.
After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man.
However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner.
The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction.
He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.
The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.
He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.
By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated.
As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.
She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him.
The man thinks for a moment and then responds:
"Could you take the dog for a walk?"

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

What sound does a dog that’s really into art make?
He doesn’t bark. He bauhaus.

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Art jokes Dog jokes

Watson came excitedly to Sherlock Holmes place and told him his dog had swallowed his ring. Sherlock told Watson,
"Don't worry. He will pass it eventually".
Watson replies,
"Thank you very much, Sherlock".
Sherlock says to Watson:
"It's alimentary, my dear Watson"

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Animal Jokes Sherlock Holmes Jokes Dog jokes

My dog joined the navy. Now he’s a sub woofer.

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Navy jokes Dog jokes

What did the dog musher say when he got lost?
“I’ve sled us astray.”

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Snow jokes Dog jokes

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.
Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

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Dog jokes

I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.
Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

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Dog jokes

Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog?
For a walka walka walka

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Dog jokes

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.
She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

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Dog jokes

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a вееr?" The bartender replies,
"For you, no charge."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Dog jokes

Would a Police-Dog arrest itself for fouling the street?
Police Dog Joke Submitted by Kabogga.

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Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dog jokes

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. “I’m in love with my horse,” he said .
“But that’s nothing,” replied the shrink. “A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.”
“Ah, but doctor,” the patient replied. “It’s a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.”
“Ahhh!” exclaimed the doc. “What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?”
“Female, of course,” said the dude. “What do you think I am, a faggot??!”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes