Food Jokes

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Max was worried. Sam, his loyal deli customer every day for thirty years, doesn't show up. Max loves Sam. Every day at the deli he gives him the best cuts, charges him the least, treats him like family.
So on the second day, his absence is again concerning. When he doesn't show up on the third day, Max is almost beside himself. The fourth day brings more agony with Sam's disappearance. On the fifth day, Friday, pacing back forth, not knowing what to do, he glances across the street at his competitor's deli. Through the window, he sees Sam at the deli counter right across the street.
Max tears off his apron, storms across the thoroughfare, and confronts Sam. "What are you doing? For thirty years you've been my customer. I've given you the best cuts for your meals, I've charged you next to nothing, I've treated you like my closest family! How could you show so little loyalty after all this time?"
"Relax," says Sam, "don’t worry. On Monday I had a root canal. The dentist said I should eat on the other side for a few days.”
During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:
A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David
The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:
We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew.
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, Idiots!
Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig the Аss on that Woman.’
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you sleep with your eyes open. you have to watch videos in fast-foward. the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer. you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. your eyes stay open when you sneeze. you chew on other people's fingernails. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet. you can jump-start your car without cables. you don't sweat, you percolate. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize it's not plugged in. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. instant coffee takes too long. you channel surf faster without a remote. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. you short out motion detectors. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. you help your dog chase its tail. you soak your dentures in coffee. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up. you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. you answer the door before people knock.
I get so frustrated with the advertising agencies and their use of the oldest of old cliches that always seem to catch a second wind and another decade of tiresome syntax. ….
…
A good example is “Starving.” Two decades later, they still run that same mud-caked Somalian kid on the side of the road, with fifty flies buzzing on his face, begging for a bowl of rice… “Your $19 every month can save him.” He’s made it all this time on 3AM TV, mud-caked, with those eyes that match the sadness of a beagle? Good job advertisers. Twenty years ago, all his chest needed was some barbecue sauce and an hour on the grill. I’m surprised they haven’t developed miracle drugs to show how long he’s been alive and begging. They certainly could develop perpetual youth serums as well. Anti-aging formulas sell well at 3AM too.
And then we have writers describing a Church feast or a buffet, where the tables “groan,” supposedly under the weight of the food. Really? Does a table complain? “Oh my back, I don’t know if I can take much more of this shiт.” Think of all the mothers at that Church picnic trying to get their six year old to eat Auntie Maud’s creamed broccoli from the рот luck, so they don’t end up covered with flies and mud, starving alongside the Somalian kid.
You people writing Real Estate ad copy are just as bad. What the fсuк is a “Roaring” fire? And if I think about it long, enough, can’t my new house (and fireplace) be a place of coziness, quiet and love? Has anybody ever walked by their fireplace and been startled out of their wits by a mighty roar, before the hearth consumed them?
And you travel agencies making up romantic stories about a vacation, making liberal use of the word “Rustic.” Thanks to you, my g/f and I just spent a week in a “rustic” cabin. For once and for all, I found out ‘rustic’ means ‘old piece of shiт.’