Friendship Jokes

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At the local machine shop, Jim was a long time employee who took a new kid under his wing. Ryan, the new hire, was 20 years younger than Jim. He appreciated Jim's help in teaching him the ins and outs of working in a machine shop. They became fast friends, and after a few days decided to hit the local pub together for lunch. They picked a table near the bar, and while they were waiting for their drinks, Ryan noticed an ornery looking guy at the end of the bar staring at him.
"Wonder what that guys problem is," Ryan said to Jim.
"His name is Vic. A mean son of a gun if you've ever seen one. He's about your age, and I've known him pretty much his whole life. Always looking for trouble."
Sensing that they were talking about him, Vic called over to Ryan, "You talking to me?"
Ryan said to Jim, "I think he's looking for a fight. What should I do?"
"Well," said Jim, "when I was your age, I was about your size. Twenty years ago I could've whooped him."
"If you say so!" Ryan gets up and walks toward Vic. As he approached him, Vic hauls off and bam! Vic Knocked Ryan out cold. As Vic was being escorted out of the bar by bouncers, Ryan was coming to at the table where Jim was applying a cold compress to his jaw.
"I thought you told me 20 years ago you could've whooped him," Ryan said.
"I sure could have," Bill replied. "But 20 years ago, Vic would have been 10!"
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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. ….
….
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday, their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
….
….
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
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In New York Petrol Pump was inaugurated. The business was a bit slow. The owner thought of putting a promotional scheme. After a lot of brainstorming he decided on a novel, exciting plan. Next day he put a banner on his Pump saying," Buy $ 50.00 worth of Petrol and get free Sеx !!!...* Conditions Apply."
Anant read the banner and drove in for a refill. He filled 50 $ worth of petrol and asked for free sеx. The attendant directed him to the office. The man in the office saw his receipt of $. 50 and said that yes, he was eligible for free sеx but he will have to guess any number from 1 to 9 and if his guess matched today number picked by the pump management, he would get free sеx.
Anant guessed 7. The clerk looked into his folder and said, sorry, the number doesn't match. better luck next time.
After a week Anant went for a fill again. this time he guessed 3 and the clerk said sorry the number didn't match. He was really disappointed and was going back to his car when he met his ракi friend. He told him his predicament and said he thought this scheme was a fraud.
The pakistani said,
" It surely isn't a fraud. My wife got lucky twice to have free sеx !
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An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”
The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
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