Friendship Jokes

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A bloke went down to the pet shop in search for an animal to keep him company at home.
He didn’t have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier
“Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?”
“I’ve come to look for a pet to keep me company” The bloke replies.
“Well then I’ve got just the thing for you” said the cashier.
He takes from under the counter a little matchbox.. “inside here is a talking caterpillar and today you can have it for just £50”
“What a bargain” the bloke replies. He hands him 50 quid and takes the match box home.
When he arrives home he can’t wait to ask the caterpillar if he’d like to go out and do something with him. He puts the match box on the table, knocks on the top and out comes the caterpillar!
“Alright mate do you want to go down the pub for a few pints?!” Says the bloke.
The caterpillar looks up him and goes back into the box.
Half an hour later the bloke tried again, he knocks on the matchbox and out comes the caterpillar.
“Alright mate do you want to go to the pub for a few pints?!”
Again, the caterpillar looks up at him and goes back into the box.
Confused the man wonders whether he should get some sort of refund for this shiт!
An hour later he tries one more time - he knocks on the matchbox and out comes the caterpillar..
“Alright mate, I’m going to try one more time.. do you want you to come down the pub for a few pints?!
To which the caterpillar replies
“Yeah alright mate I heard you the first time! I’ve been putting my fuскing shoes on”
Animal Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"William thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know William is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Beatrice said,
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future - until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future - until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:
“What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class:
“Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves… And begin to sing:
“What A Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas .”
Office and Work Jokes Christmas Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes
A lady is giving a party for her grand daughter and has gone all out caterer, band and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cart wheels across the lawn.
She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other вuм and says:
“What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
The other вuм says:
“Well, I don’t know. Let me ask him.”
He then turned to Willie and shouted:
“Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?”
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