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A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter.
They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile….. Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here
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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.
When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.
He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for.
“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager.
“But sir,” the managers says, “this check is only made out for $100.”
“That’s right,” replies the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping n having вuтт sеx with my wife.”
“What! I didn’t sleep with your wife!” exclaims the manager.
“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.
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A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.
They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.
“Mr Wilson” says the man, “I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?”
Smugly the bank manager replies, “In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks.”
“Here’s the deal.” says the man, leaning forward. “No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous.”
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o’clock that evening.
At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
“Mr Wilson” she purrs. “Have you got the money?”
The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
She smiles. “Then come in.”
He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
“What’s this?!” stutters the bank manager.
“My wife” says the man. “In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume.”
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(Must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.
Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one рiss. I tella her I want two рiss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna two рiss onna my plate.
She say you better not рiss onna plate, you sonna ma вiтсh.
I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma вiтсh.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna fock.
I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table.
She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma вiтсh.
I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma вiтсh!
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no sh1ts onna my bed.
I call the manager and tella him I wanna sh1t.
He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna sh1t on my bed.
He say you better not sh1t onna bed, you sonna ma вiтсh.
I don’t even know the man and he call me sonna ma вiтсh. I go to the
Checkout and the man at the desk say:
“Peace on you”.
I say рiss on you too, you sonna ma вiтсh, I gonna back to Italy!
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A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. He thought he’d get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the “еsсоrт” services. He picked a number and dialed it. A woman answered, “Hello?”
“Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sеx! In fact I want jungle sеx . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sеx! I’m talking кinкy, the whole night, you name it we’ll do it! Bring all kinds of sеx toys too! I don’t care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?” he asked. The woman said, “Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press “9” first.”
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