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Marriage and Family Jokes
My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2″ diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.
She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.
She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles. “Now,” said my wife, “I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.
The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, роrn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important.”
I was dumbfounded. Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a bloke comes in and asks to be confessed.
“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”
“Well, Father,” says the bloke, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, so just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”
“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”
“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”
“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”
“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”
“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was the maid, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”
The priest falls silent.
“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her aunt, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”
The priest still did not answer.
“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her grandmother, and, well…”
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.
“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”
“Like sh1t, I’m coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the churches fсuкing empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”
A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.
“Dad, look at those bow-legged ваsтаrds!”
The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.
A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged ваsтаrds!”
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, “I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else…”
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, “Dad, look at those bow-legged ваsтаrds!”
“That’s it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare. Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park.
As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them. The boy turns to his father and says:
Father, what strange men are these, whose ваlls hang in parentheses.
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the вuтт and said, ‘Well ваве, Merry Christmas! it’s a great morning for sеx or golf ‘ and she said, “Take a sweater..”
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces, “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a few minutes, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more than the female brain?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then replied to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used.”
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
To which the other woman replies,
"Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies,
"Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.
To which the second fine southern woman replies,
"Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jeweler their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a сrар, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sеx!”
Sadie questions, “If I moaned when we had sеx, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sеx!”
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Stuart, should I moan now?”
“No not yet.”
Stuart begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?”
“No, I’ll tell you when!”
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have inтеrсоursе.
“Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?”
“Wait, I’ll tell you when.”
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching сliмаx, Stuart yells, “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”
“Oh Stewart! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a terrible day I had!”
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said,
"We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story. "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."