Masturbation jokes

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

2 0

Masturbation jokes

A boy and his dad are talking..
“Hey Dad.”
“Yes son?”
“Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad’s eyes, and he quietly replies;
“No, but I was shot in the leggy.”

14 0

Masturbation jokes Dad Jokes Military Jokes

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, веnт over nакеd, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
‘For the love of god woman, don’t you ever stop?!’

0 0

Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Masturbation jokes

Man walks into a shrink`s office..
Shrink:
“I know exactly why you are here. You suffer from an addiction to internet роrn, and you маsтurвате constantly.”
Patient:
“That`s amazing”! “How can you tell all that without even asking me one question?”
Shrink:
“I saw the wedding ring on your finger.”

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Internet Jokes Masturbation jokes

A woman with a clipboard just knocked at our door.
She asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but, fuск it, I’ll try anything once.

0 0

Jokes about Women Christmas Jokes Masturbation jokes

I went to doctors today and told him “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish маsтurватing I sing the American national anthem”.
The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

0 0

Nationality Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes American Jokes

I was watching TV when I heard the news reader announce, “Sir David Attenborough is nearing a сliмаx with his final episode of the TV series Frozen Planet.”
Now I like Frozen Planet as much as the next man, but that’s just ridiculous.

0 0

News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman’s boots…

0 0

Jokes about Women Masturbation jokes

A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms from a new box of twelve.
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
“What happened to the other four condoms?” she asked.
His nervous reply was, “Errrr…, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a соndом before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

0 0

Jokes about Women Men jokes Friendship Jokes Dating Jokes Masturbation jokes

A post man had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from 1 last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it 2 miles down a small country road . By the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore. He entered the garden, closed the gait and turned round to be greeted by to huge paws landing on his chest . There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him ( did his вuм go boo or what!). He was terrified , just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said” don’t worry sonny just kick his ваlls”. He said”what!”, she said kick his ваlls he likes that”. This post man had on regulation size 12 military steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs , he went WALLOP and booted dog square in the ваlls, the dog went ” how, how , how houuuuuuuu” and collapsed with its knees knocking together. The old lady said ” your in fcukin trouble now”. He said “why” she said I meant his ваlls on the grass beside you !”.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Masturbation jokes Dog jokes

Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.
She said, “If you help me find it I will let you fuск my fаnny all night.”
I said, “What does it look like?”
She said, “It’s a big, black, fluffy thing.”
I said, “No thanks love, I’ll give it a miss.”

0 0

Jokes about Women Masturbation jokes

What does it look like when you microwave a baby?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I маsтurвате.

19 0

Gross Jokes Masturbation jokes

Girl visits her doctor and tells him she has terrible discharge, ‘Ok, take your knickers off and lets check it out’ he says. She drops her knickers and he has a feel around. He says ‘how does that feel’. She says ‘Ruddy wonderful but the discharge is from my ear’.

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes

I was drinking in a really rough pub with my mate when we were approached by 10 tough looking fella’s.
“Lets pretend we are the police” my mate whispered to me.
Anyway, they beat the shiт out of us before I got to the second verse of Roxanne.

0 0

Police Officer Jokes Masturbation jokes

Two policemen knocked on my door just now.
They said, “We’ve been getting complaints.”
“You should start doing a better fuскing job then.

0 0

Police Officer Jokes Masturbation jokes

Sеx with a weatherman must suск…
…Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches, only to find out it’s not even 4.

0 0

Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

I was in the doctors today.
“Can you help me out, Doc? I asked.
“Of course,” he replied. “Its the same way you came in.”

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes

I was listening to the same song at work today.
My colleague, who was right next to me said, “Quickly change the fuскing track!”
I asked, “Why?”
He said, “Because if you don’t, those two trains will collide.”

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,
“Mom, what’s sеx?”
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said.
“Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

0 0

School Jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

Son:
“I got expelled.” …..
…..
Dad:
“How?” …..
……
Son:
“I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard.” …..
…..
Dad:
“That’s pretty dumb but-” …
…
Son:
“Then my teacher told me to go back up to the board…”
…
Dad:
“Ok?”
Son:
“And rub 1 out.”

0 0

Masturbation jokes Dad Jokes School Jokes