Men jokes - Page 131

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said,
"I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said,
"I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said,
"I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man.

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Nerd Rap:
People always ask why I act like those nerds,
Why I correct grammar and why I use big words.
Stupid... is officially whack.
Man you look real fly, but you can't spell cat!
Popularity's irrelevant; Gotta be intelligent.
Stay in the books, and you'll be the new president.
Got an A+; they all made fun of me.
Grew up, now they're working for my company.
L-O-L, exclamation point, send!
I'm so awesome; want to be my friend?

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A man visits his doctor and says, doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my eyes.
The doctor asks have you seen a psychiatrist?
The patient says,
"No Only green Martians!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

How many men does it take to please a woman.
Impossible.
Once a woman's done вiтсhing about the men they're all asleep.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

A state trooper stopped at a little cafe for coffee. As he was getting ready to leave a patron of the cafe yelled out, "Go out and get 'em!" he said.
"I suppose everyone's going to get a ticket today?"
"I don't really give out many tickets," the cop said.
"Oh, come on," the man teased.
"You'd give your own mother a ticket."
"No, my mother never drove a car," said the trooper.
Then a grin spread over his face.
"But I did catch her jaywalking once," he said,
"And I issued her a warning.
But that's all."

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

She was hungry for love and didn’t know where her next male was coming from.

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund.
It was a sad, funny kind of film.
In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said.
"That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said,
"Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

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Men jokes Life Jokes

A man walks into the sheriff's office....
"I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads:
'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Sometimes you want to express how sтuрid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his сrаскеr.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour рiss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the sтuрid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Ladies and Gentlemen, if there is anybody here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive it is probably because you just married John.

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man walks into a bar, and orders a вееr.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.
He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunк staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!!" said the drunк.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunк, "it's on fire."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Hotel Jokes

Men are like..... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Weather jokes

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar.
Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.
I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Men are like buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Marriage is bit like having a meal at a self-service buffet: you get exactly what you want, but when you see what another man’s got on his plate you fancy a bit of that as well.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

I got home and found a man in bed with my wife.
I said, ‘Who said you could sleep with my wife?’
He said, ‘Everybody.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A couple celebrating their 50th anniversary had many well wishers stop by to congratulate them.
After all of their guest had left, the two settled into recliners.
“Mother,” the man said, “our marriage is tried and true.”
“What’s that you say?” she asked. “You know I can’t hear without my hearing aid.”
“I said, our marriage is tried and true,” he repated, a little louder.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes