Men jokes - Page 179

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30PM after work.
His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the heck did you bring him home?"
Calmly the husband replies,
"Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year."

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man goes to his doctor and says " Hi doc, remember me "?
' No, but what can I do for you? "
"You know doc, I came to you two years ago. You said I had pneumonia, gave me some medicine and advised me to not to have a bath "
" So? "
" Well I'm fine now, thanks. I just wanted to know, can I have a bath now?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy 5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:
"Dad, if you think you're getting sсrеwеd in there, you'd better come outside, 'cause there's a Shriner's convention going past."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion's cage. Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holdingthe latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves.
"What in the world is he doing?" shouted one.
"Is he crazy? He's going to get killed!" yelled another.
"Don't worry about him," replied the man's son. "That's just my dad. He likes to read between the lions."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

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Religion jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Blonde girl runs into the pub hysterically shouting "help theres a black man chasing me"
A bunch of lads get together looking when the girl again shouts "quick hes there creeping on the floor" After looking dismayed one calmly informs her
"Thats your shadow love"

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes

One day in Oz, Dorothy, The Tin Man, The Cowardly Lion, and The Scarecrow were playing high stakes Texas Hold'Em Poker.
Everyone put in their ante except for Dorothy. The Tin Man asked her, "We all put in our ante except for you. Where's your ante?
Dorothy replied, "I thought I told you guys before. My auntie is in Kansas!"

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

I see said the blind man to his deaf wife, over a disconnected telephone in a dark room, looking for a black cat that wasn't even there.

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. “Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little company?”
“Why?” asks the woman? “Do you have one to sell?

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Man: Hi wanna dance?
Woman: Yeah sure!
Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes

Friend: Dude! You were so drunк last night!
Man: No I wasn't.
Friend: Oh really, you put my dog in a pillowcase and said "It's a pillow, It's a pet, it's a pillow pet!"
Man: It was a pet in a pillowcase!
Friend: It was a trash can.
Man: ...

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes

A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation:
He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John?
His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes

Dreams of a man
1. Be as handsome as his mother thinks.
2. Have as much money as his son thinks.
3. Have as many women as his wife thinks.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband.
“I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker.
He started to insult me.
He used really bad language.
He even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” her husband asked, very concerned.
“Well,” she says, “we met by accident. I hit him with the car.

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Insult Jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

The woman poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
The man poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big t*ts who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a dамn.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

So, I’m trying to have a pleasant chat with this broad, ‘cuz you never know when you can pick up some side nookie. She tells me , “As a woman it’s annoying when men think they are better drivers.”
…
“… Let’s say I’m trying to parallel park. I don’t need a man to offer me help every 20 minutes.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

I was driving back home when my girl referred about men’s disability for multi-tasking and that there were no two things on earth that a man can do what a woman couldn’t.
I didn’t disagree and just smiled while I was backing into a parking space, scratching my ваlls.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

A recent survey on womens legs produced the following data: 8% of men prefer women with thin legs.
A further 10% preferred plump legs, whilst the remaining 82% preferred something just inbetween.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes