Men jokes - Page 191

I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked,
"What is the kitten's name?"
"Demon," I replied.
"Demon? That's an odd name," she said.
"Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway."
I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said,
"Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"
"Yes, it is."
"You really don't like cats, do you?"

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A man walked into his doctor’s office on Friday and asked for a double dose of Viаgrа. “What do you need it for?”, the doctor asked. “Well, my ex wife is coming over tonight, my girlfriend is coming over Saturday and my wife gets home from her business trip on Sunday”, he replied.
On Monday, the man walks into the doctor’s office with his right arm in a sling.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Nobody showed up” said the man

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says."Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor."
10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately."10...9...8...7..."

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News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Student:
"Girls are better, because we are stronger, better, and we live longer. what do you have to say to that?"
Me:
"That's true, because when men get married to women like you, who b*tch and complain all day. they beg to god to die faster."
Teacher: *bursts out laughing*

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Insult Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it.
Weirdos.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle. The man said to his wife, "He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that."
His wife replied, "No, that's definitely old time rheumatism."
They couldn't agree so the man decided to ask the old man. He walked over to him and said,
"Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?"
The old man said,
"The three of us were wrong."
"Three of us were wrong? How so?" asked the man.
To which the old man replied, "You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas."

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

What do you call a GMO human male child?
An alter boy.

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Religion jokes Men jokes

A man had just presented his wife with the fox coat she had been coaxing and cajoling him to by her for weeks. Now he was perplexed to see her examining it with a sad look.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart? Don’t you like the coat?” he asked.
“I love it,” she answered. “It’s just that I was feeling sorry for the poor little creature who was skinned alive so that I could have the pleasure of wearing this coat.”
“Why, thank you,” said the husband.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

I am not liking the man I have become...
It's not a good sign when I answer Dora before my toddler does.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
The man:
“Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy:
“That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man:
“That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”
The guy:
“No…they are all at the funeral!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck nакеd, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. “Son,” he said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you but you look like hеll! What the devil happened?”
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a Mother!!!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a вееr out of a cooler. the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a вееr?" Grandpa replied, "Can your diск touch your аss?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a вееr." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked,
"Can your diск touch your аss?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said,
"Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked,
"Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your diск touch your аss?" Grandpa replied, "Неll yeah my diск can touch my аss!" The boy replied, "Then go fuск yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes

One day a boy parents were arguing so the called each other b*tch and аss holes so the boy asked ' what's a b*tch and and аss hole"
They replied аss hole is another word for gentle man and b*tch is another word for gentle lady" later on the the boy dad was shaving and he cut himself and he shouted shiт the boy asked what does shiт mean his dad replied its another word for shaving cream. Then the little boy went to the kitchen and meet his mom cleaning a turkey she got cut and shouted fuск the little boy asked what is fuск she replied its another word for cutting the turkey just then the door веll rang the little boy ran to answered it and greeted the guest by saying good evening b*tches and аss holes my dad is shaving with shiт and my mom is f*cking the turkey

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Ladies and Gentleman I stand in front of you, to stand in back of you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last Night in the middle of the afternoon, just before Breakfast, an Empty Garbage truck, loaded with good furniture, almost ran over a dad alley cat. We hurried to the Hospital as slow as we could, and there sat King Auther sitting in a six corner round able eating Вееr with a fork. If you don't believe me ask the Blind man he saw it all................

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Men jokes Dad Jokes

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room.
“How on earth did you manage to do that?” he fumed.
“Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

A blonde is out walking in the forest when she is attacked by two men. Suddenly, an avenging hero in a black mask and flowing black cape jumps out of the bushes waving a sword and successfully chases off the two men. The blonde is thrilled to bits, falling instantly in love with her gallant rescuer.
“I hope you will never forget who rescued you,” says the hero as he uses his sword to draw a large ‘Z’ on the forest floor.
“Oh thank you!” says the blonde. “Thank you, Superman!”

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes

At 2:15 AM a man was pulled over by the police for having a burned out tail light. The officer discovered that a dog was sitting behind the steering wheel the car and the man sitting next to him had obviously been drinking.
The officer said,
"What is going on here and why is a dog in the driver’s seat?"
The man replied, "I really don't know officer, I guess he took my keys."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks “Why the long face?”
The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you кill yourself.”
The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d кill the guy.”
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
“Did you кill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously.
“Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Two men are sitting at a bar when one of the men stops drinking and says "MY WIFE IS AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL".
The other man turns to him an says " YOUR LUCKY MINE'S STILL ALIVE"

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Man: Do you want to have good sеx?
Woman: Ehh no… Sorry?
Man: Well you should come back to my place!

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes