Men jokes - Page 213

Slim walks into his local post office and notices a new sign on the wall:
Man wanted for robbery in montana
"Gosh!" he says,
"If only that job was in Texas, I'd take it!"

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One night in a bar a man walked up to the barman and said "you see that glass in the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 I can рiss in it from here." the barman says "you're on !" so the guy starts to рiss everywhere on everyone even the barman, exept for the glass. "Ha!" says the barman. "you owe me $100" so the guy says "wait here." and he walks to a pool table and gets money from someone and they laugh. "here it is" the man says. "thanks. By the way, why did you two laugh ? you lost the bet"
"Oh" says the man. "I bet him $1000 i could рiss everywhere in the bar and even on you and you'd still be smiling"

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Money jokes Men jokes

Mormons -- man, that is one 'm' away from 'morons.'

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God Jokes Men jokes

MARRIAGE is a fancy word for adoption of an overgrown MAN-CHILD that can’t take care of himself.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

To celebrate their silver anniversary, a couple went to Niagara Falls and asked a motel clerk for a room. "We only have the honeymoon suite available," she told them.
"My wife and I've been married 25 year," the man said. "We don't need the honeymoon suite."
"Look, buddy," replied the clerk. "I might rent you Yankee Stadium, but you don't have to play baseball in it!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Mrs. McGinnis dies and goes up to heaven where she’s greeted by St. Peter at the gate.
She says to St. Peter, “St. Peter, I’m looking for my husband Joe, do you know where I might find him?”
“Well ma’am we’ve got a lot of Joe McGinnis’s up here, could you describe him?” says St. Peter.
“Well he was a good man… ” She says, “with brown hair and he was thin and a real hard worker. You know, he said if I made love to another man after he died he’d turn over in his grave.”
St. Peter replies, “OH!!! You mean ‘WHIRLING Joe McGinnis!'”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Yesterday my wife tripped over Buster, broke her neck and died!
I guess dogs really are a man’s best friend

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.
At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."
As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "The man says it makes a funny noise."

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes

An Antartian woman was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She stood in front of a candy machine and put two coins in, turned the кnов and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the кnов, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the кnов producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her. He said,
"Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said,
"Duh! I'm winning here!"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes

There's a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. 'I'm a loser because my father's an alcoholic.' No, your father's an alcoholic because you're a loser.

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Kids Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."

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Men jokes

A man walked up to a school and said "can you teach me to read and write"
The administrator said,
"Yes we can"! Just fill out this form."

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School Jokes Men jokes

A man bursts into a psychiatrist's office, nакеd, with a thin sheet wrapped around his waist. The psychiatrist diagnoses, "Sir, I can clearly see your nuts."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although it was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous rather easily.
The next night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to get caught, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sign of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
“Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Secretary Jokes

One day a woman brings her daughter to the doctor's office to get her checked out.
After the checkup, the doctor tells the mother that her daughter is pregnant.
The mother exclaims, "I'll have you know that my daughter is very classy and is still a virgin!"
The doctor immediately looks out the window.
The mother angrily screams, "What are you doing?!"
The doctor says,
"Last time this happened, three men rode up that hill."

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he leaned back and immediatelyfell asleep. About an hour later he was awakened by a knock on the window.
"Can you spare a dime?" asked a homeless man. Even though he was slightly perturbed, Ben reached into his pocket and handed him a dollar. Once again he settled back for a nap. A half hour later, he was again awakened by a knock on the window.
"Brother, can you be so kind to give me a little change?", begged another wayfarer.
More than a little perturbed this time, he throws a dollar at the man and angrily closes his window. Ben then takes out a piece of paper and writes on it, 'I don't have any money!' He sticks it on his windshield and settles back again for a much needed rest. Quickly falling soundly asleep, he was nonetheless awakened by another furious rap on his window. Rolling it down, he saw yet another homeless man. "What in tarnation do YOU want?" Ben yelled.
"I saw the sign on your windshield," the man began, "and since I've been having a pretty good night panhandling, I thought I'd give you a couple of bucks to get you back on your feet."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

“mmm…you’re cooking is really something else, love.”
This is the male equivalent of a fake оrgаsм!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes