Money jokes

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Insult: Your so UGLУ that when you were born, the surgeon was just about to drop kick you out the window when your parents scream "WAIT WE NEED THE CHILD SUPPORT MONEY!!!".

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We live in a culture where a рrоsтiтuте on the street can earn more money than a school teacher. That's disgraceful. We have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

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OK, you know the drill about the old lamp, the Djinni and the wishes so let’s go straight to the joke.
Djinni: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Djinni: Granted, what’s your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

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Money not buying you happiness?
Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me.

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I'm tired of hearing about how America's a bully. America is not a bully. Bullies beat you up and take your money, and that is not what America does. America gives you money -- and then we beat you up. We're the mob. We just kinda wait for the check to clear, then we show up going, 'Hey, you got a real nice f**king country here. Be a shame if something happened to it.'

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A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”

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One night in a bar a man walked up to the barman and said "you see that glass in the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 I can рiss in it from here." the barman says "you're on !" so the guy starts to рiss everywhere on everyone even the barman, exept for the glass. "Ha!" says the barman. "you owe me $100" so the guy says "wait here." and he walks to a pool table and gets money from someone and they laugh. "here it is" the man says. "thanks. By the way, why did you two laugh ? you lost the bet"
"Oh" says the man. "I bet him $1000 i could рiss everywhere in the bar and even on you and you'd still be smiling"

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Parent:
"Why did you swallow the money I gave you?"
Child:
"Well, you did say it was my lunch money."

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Mom: Wherever, we keep the money our son always finds it and takes it where else can we ever put it!?
Dad: Hmm.. why don't you just put it in his book's its not like he ever touches them! Mom: Your a genius!
Dad: Неll yeah, I am.

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Why is the moon like a dollar?
It has four quarters.

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Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me “Robin Hood”…
Stealing from the вiтсh and giving to the whоrе.

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I was delighted when the debt company I owe money to said they were going to send some bay leaves round to my house. They’re absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them. Imagine my shock therefore when two fат skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker. Ваsтаrds!

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Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he leaned back and immediatelyfell asleep. About an hour later he was awakened by a knock on the window.
"Can you spare a dime?" asked a homeless man. Even though he was slightly perturbed, Ben reached into his pocket and handed him a dollar. Once again he settled back for a nap. A half hour later, he was again awakened by a knock on the window.
"Brother, can you be so kind to give me a little change?", begged another wayfarer.
More than a little perturbed this time, he throws a dollar at the man and angrily closes his window. Ben then takes out a piece of paper and writes on it, 'I don't have any money!' He sticks it on his windshield and settles back again for a much needed rest. Quickly falling soundly asleep, he was nonetheless awakened by another furious rap on his window. Rolling it down, he saw yet another homeless man. "What in tarnation do YOU want?" Ben yelled.
"I saw the sign on your windshield," the man began, "and since I've been having a pretty good night panhandling, I thought I'd give you a couple of bucks to get you back on your feet."

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Leroy is desperate to get some money to satisfy his craving for hеrоin.
He has never robbed a bank before, but there’s a time and place for everything when you need a fix.
He cuts holes in an old knit cap, enters a small bank brandishing his gun and trembling as he says,
“Aw.. aww.. All rr ri right you motherstickers, this is a fuскuр!!”

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"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies,
"Change comes from within."

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A bank clerk is talking with her colleague. "I think now-a-days my beauty has been decreasing."
"Why do you think that?" asked the colleague.
"The men who are withdrawing cash at my counter are actually counting their money."

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Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

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To supplement my income, I sell furniture on the side. I'm down to my couch now.

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You know a mother once told her ambitious wall street son, "Money will not make you happy."
"That's true mom, but it will make you miserable in a better environment."

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