News and Politics Jokes

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Top 10 Reasons to Live in Saskatchewan:
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

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Top 10 Reasons to Live in Quebec:
1. Everybody assumes you're an a**hole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirтy French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the ''Anglo ваsтаrds''

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Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest senator and an old drunк are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunк, of course - the other three don't exist.

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Tony Brown: On Lorena Bobbitt.
You've got women cuttin' men's things off on TV. You've come a long way, baby.

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The Tomato Seller!
A man from another country came to the U.S. and learned three phrases.1.Only fifty cents2. Very, very fresh3. Not today, maybe tomorrow. A lady came to his tomato stand and said ''how much are these tomatos?'' The man said ''Only fifty cents''. Than she asked ''are they fresh?'' The man said ''Very, very fresh''. She then asked, ''Can I buy one?'' The man said, ''Not today maybe tomorrow.'' A thief comes and said ''I'm a thief how much money do you have?'' The Tomato Seller said, ''Only fifty cents''. The thief said, ''Are you being fresh with me?'' The Tomato seller said ''Very, very fresh''. The thief said ''Alright, that's it. I'm going to shoot you.'' The Tomato Seller said ''Not today maybe tomorrow!"The moral to this story is: If you go to a foreign country, learn as much of the language as possible!'

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An American cowboy was traveling in England and decided to stop at a tea shop for a drink. On the menu there were several different teas to choose from. When the waitress came to take his order, the cowboy asked, "Ma'am, what the hеll do all these names mean?"
The waitress calmly replied, "We have basically three types of tea, sir. The peacove tea is 90% substance and 10% aroma, the orange tea is 10% substance and 90% aroma, and the Blackberry tea is an acquired taste."
The cowboy responded, "Where I come from, we have three types of tea too, Ma'am. There's s-h-i-T which is 90% substance and 10% aroma, there is f-a-r-T which is 10% substance and 90% aroma, and then there is c-u-n-T which is an acquired taste."

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In Washington D.
C. they ran out Tickle Me Elmo dolls, so now they have Fоndlе Me Packwood dolls.

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Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian, and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife, and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.
Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked, "Has anyone got a friggin' match?"

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Q: How come they don't have ice in Poland?
A: Because they lost the recipe.

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A polish guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, can you give me a lobotomy?"
The doctor says, "Why on earth would you want a lobotomy?"
The роlаск responds, "Why, so I can write 'dumb роlаск' jokes, of course!"

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Ram: Why are you drinking tea with the help of the straw?
Raju: Because doctor asked me to stay away from the tea.

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Why are there so many trees along the streets of Paris?
So the Germans can march in the shade.

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1.
Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his son the way of the woods. He gets on the ground and hears a noise.
"Buffalo come."
"How do you know?"
"Ground shaky."
The boy wanted to try. He gets on the ground, listens.
"Man come."
"Is there a vibration?"
"No."
"Then how do you know?"
"Ground sticky."

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a соw and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a соw turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two аssеs, they come together again. I come again and рее twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swinе,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sеx lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

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How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.

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How do you play Taliban Bingo?
B-52, F-15, B-1...

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The T.Rexes were all angry. You know why? Because these huge muscular creatures with these big muscular legs and these tiny little hands! How would you feel, 60 million years never being able to маsтurвате? That is the real reason dinosaurs are extinct right there.

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A Canadian, an American and a China man are stranded on a deserted island.
The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Days pass by, but they still can't find their friend. One day as they are walking along a path, the Chinese man jumps from the bushes and yells "SUPPLIES!"

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