Old People Jokes

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A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says,
"My daddy's goy a car.
When he honks the horn it goes 'hоnкеy hоnкеy'".
Little white boy says,
"Shiт, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run niggа niggа run'".

17 0

When Chuck Norris is as old as dirt, he will be the salt of the earth.

18 0

Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything.

18 0

Why do black women lose their hair at an early age?
From all of the hair pulling during rаре.

8 1

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breathe… hes been holding it for 6 years.

9 0

Why did the astronaut retire?
He got spaced out!

10 0

Dark Humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.

12 0

A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest.
The horse says,
"I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!"
" The bee says,
"I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!"
The old geezer says...
(We're waiting...)

12 0

Two old ladies are in a restaurant.
One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible."
The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

13 0

As my grandmother and I were walking towards the United Nations Building in New York City, we came upon a street evangelist who was trying to get the attention of passersby.
He urged those near him to flee from the wrath to come.
“I warn you,” he roared, “that there will be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth!”
An old woman in the crowd shouted snidely:
“Sir, I have no teeth!”
“Lady,” the evangelist retorted, “teeth will be provided!”

13 0

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested.
"Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???"
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer.
"I'll just put it in my report that she died at the sтrоке of two."

13 0

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond оrgаn, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a соndом! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the оrgаn, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

14 0

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother:
"What does the соw say?"
Child:
"Moo!"
Mother:
"Great! What does the cat say?"
Child:
"Meow."
Mother:
"Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

14 0

Did you hear about the 9 year old African nigglet?
He was going through a mid-life crisis.

14 0

I saw the priest watching роrnоgrарhy.
Should I get jelous?
- Johnny, 11 years old.

14 1

May 6th, 1945: A then five-year old Chuck Norris swam the Atlantic Ocean.
The next day, the Nazis surrendered...

15 0

Chuck Norris helps little old ladies cross the street...
Bad guys get kicked to the curb!

15 0

A couple celebrating their 50th anniversary had many well wishers stop by to congratulate them.
After all of their guest had left, the two settled into recliners.
“Mother,” the man said, “our marriage is tried and true.”
“What’s that you say?” she asked. “You know I can’t hear without my hearing aid.”
“I said, our marriage is tried and true,” he repated, a little louder.

16 0

A 7-year-old boy and a 40-year old man are walking together in a dark forest.
The young boy says,
"I'm afraid..." The 40-year-old man replies," You're afraid?!
I have to walk out of here alone!"

17 0

A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen. The two men were talking and one said, “We've been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great.
I’d recommend it very highly.”
The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love?
The ones with red petals and thorns?”
“You must mean roses,” he replied.
“That’s it,” said the man.
He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we like?”

17 0