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Old People Jokes

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A crocodile has 2 eyes and 80 teeth.
Question:
What has 80 eyes and 2 teeth?
Answer:
A full bus of old men.
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How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
When I recall where my get up has been.
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A man goes to the doctor and says "I need birth control for my 10 year old daughter"
The doctor replies "She's 10 years old and sexually active?"
The man says" Active? Неll no! Most of the time se just lies there and cries."
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Scientists don't bother to calculate how many years old the planet earth is, they just say it's one Chuck old.
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A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband", says the wife
...2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand !
Husband says "sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ..."
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 !
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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
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Yo mama is so old that she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible.
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You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.
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At the age of 17, Chuck Norris was fired from his job in a car factory because he roundhouse-kicked a car in half.
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How old is your son, the one living with you.
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
Forty-five years.
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Роденден Роденден - Извинете, на колко години сте? — А скільки тобі років? — Непристойно запитувати жінку про таке. — Гаразд, а коли твій день народження? — 6 березня. — Якого року? — Не повіриш… кожного! Q: Quelle est le jour de votre anniversaire ? R : 15 juillet. Q: Quelle année ? R : Chaque année. Advokat : – Hva er fødselsdatoen Deres? Vitne : – 18. juli. Advokat : – Hvilket år? Vitne : – Hvert år. - När fyller du år? - 7 juli. - Vilket år? - Varje år. Temel ikametgâh için muhtara gitmiş. Muhtar sormuş: - Doğum günün? - 15 Nisan. - Hangi yıl? - Her yıl... C est un gars qui dit a une blonde : Le gars : C'est quand votre anniversaire ? La blonde : Le 3 aout. Le gars : Oui mais quelle année ? La blonde : Bah chaque année. Blondinen blev spurgt om sin fødselsdag Blondinen blev spurgt om sin fødselsdato. - Det er den 23 Juli. - Hvilket år? Blondinen svarer irriteret: - Ih altså - det er da hvert år! K: Mikor van a születésnapja? V: Július 15. K: Melyik évben? V: Minden évben. The nurse is registering a new patient, “When is your birthday?” The patient replies, “October 22.” The nurse asks, “What year?” The patient shrugs, “Every year!” Temel ikametgah almak için muhtara gitmiş. Muhtar, Temel'in kimlik bilgilerini alırken sormuş: - "Doğum günün?" Temel cevaplamış: - "22 Kasım" Muhtar sormuş: - "Hangi yıl?" Temel cevap vermiş: -... Der Richter fragt den Angeklagten: "Wann haben sie Geburtstag?" "Am 3. Februar" "Welches Jahr?" "Jedes Jahr Herr Richter."
What is your date of birth?
December 30th.
What year?
Every year
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What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?
"You're not owld enough."
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Who is the saddest grandma in the world?
Grandma of a vegan.
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Imagine, there are on the bus only 5 persons:
A busman, an old woman, two younger women and one man.
The old woman comes to the busman and tells him:
"Dear busman, would you like to eat a few hazelnuts?"
The busman says:
"Yes, why not?"
He takes the hazelnuts from her hand and eats them.
This repeats even two times, but when the old woman offers other hazelnuts to the busman for the fourth time, the busman asks this old woman:
"Madame, where do you take all these hazelnuts from? It is a real amount and I am already full."
The old woman only says:
"You know, dear busman, I have bought the chocolate with hazelnuts, the hazelnuts are very hard for my dental plate, so I have suскеd them all out, brought it to you and you have already eaten them all."
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The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
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When Chuck Norris was 8 years old he got into a pillow fight with his older brother, that's why he's now an only child.
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You are so old, you fаrт dust.
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Geriatric Medicine Medical Samples Ein Trompeter beim Arzt Ένας μισόκουφος γέρος Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. Ett äldre par kommer in på sjukhuset och får träffa doktorn. Denne säger till mannen: - Du får lämna urinprov, avföringsprov och blodprov. Mannen stirrar på doktorn och säger: - Va sa du???... Le vieux père Jules, un brave paysan, n'a pas consulté de médecin depuis son mariage. Arrivé à 80 ans, sa santé se dégrade et les douleurs l'envahissent. Comme il devient sourd, sa femme... En gammal halvdöv pensionär går in för sin årliga fysiska undersökning i sällskap med sin hustru. Läkaren kommer in i undersökningsrummet och säger: - Jag behöver ett urinprov, ett avföringsprov,...
A little old man who's hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can't hear very well, he takes his wife with him.
The doctor examines the man and then says,
"Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urinе sample and a sреrм sample."
The old man turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife replies,
"He said he wants your underwear."
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My granddad always used to say;
"As one door closes, another one opens..."
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
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A married couple has invoked the ghosts, after 15 minutes of invoking has appeared only the face of the grandmother of the man.
The married couple has asked the grandmother together:
"What would you like to tell us dear granny? "
The granny has said:
"I am looking forward to seeing you soon. Have a nice day!"
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