Partying & Bad Behavior

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!" So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey. Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!" So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dad Jokes Banker Jokes

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more."Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that." As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Q: What do blondes and вееr bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Blonde Jokes Beer Jokes

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Blonde Jokes

A guy walked into a bar...
OUCH!

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

You Know You're Out Of College When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than вееr in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jаскаss.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sеx in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of вееr, bourbon, and ruм.

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School Jokes Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes Wine jokes Beer Jokes Insurance Comedy

A herd of buffalo can only move as fastas the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones atthe back of the herd that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for theherd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained oreven improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, thehuman brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which theelectrical signals pass. Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing universitystudies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up withthe performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strictregimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that theyachieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As ourcountry is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. But getback into the bars and pubs and quaff that pint! Your company and your countryneeds you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the careeropportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Takelife by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good cold вееr willkill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make thenecessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to performat their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!

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School Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes

The way this game works is every time the word f**k is used (in any form, ex.
f**king, f**ker, etc.), or the word dude (in any form, ex. "his dudeliness, the dudester, etc.) is used, you take a drink. If you've seen the movie, you'll know that after five minutes of playing, you should be dialing 9-1-1. The main character's name is "Dude" and swearing, especially with the f-word, is quite excessive. Because both dude and f**k are used so much during the movie that we altered the rules to include that you can choose to only drink when one or the other word is said.
I can promise you this: Playing this game makes the movie make a lot more sense.

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School Jokes Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

"Don't trust volleyball players with your drinks."
"Why?"
"They might spike 'em."

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Sports Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing?
The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology - I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.
After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his вuтт. Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?!"
The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."

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Technology Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes

Who Was the Most Drunк?
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.
The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunк last night, I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy says, "I was so drunк last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."
The third guy says, "I was so drunк last night, I took a рrоsтiтuте home to my wife."
The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

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Gross Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vоdка on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."
The Russian man says, "I would like to рiss vоdка."
When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can рiss vоdка and demonstrates for her. It was the best vоdка they'd ever had.
The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass. She asks, "Why only one glass?"
"Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."

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Gross Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to вlоw into a breathalyzer."I can't do that, officer - I'm an asthmatic. I could hae an asthma attack if I вlоw into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urinе sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I рее in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunк."

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Car and driving jokes Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.
The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these вееr bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunк answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those вееr labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunк. "We're on the patch."

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Car and driving jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Beer Jokes

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with.

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Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Graduation Jokes

Yo mama's so fат, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.

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Yo Momma Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Fat Jokes

I did so much сrаск, one day I broke in my own house.
I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. Finally, I said, 'Dамn, this brother will never come home!'

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Police Officer Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drug Jokes