School Jokes

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It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says:
“My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”
The next little boy says:
“I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”
Then one little boy says:
“My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us.”
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father.
He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

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George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is? “Bob”.
“And what is your question, Bob?”
“I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Just then the веll rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right - question time. Who has a question?”
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is?
Steve”
“And what is your question, Steve?”
“I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess веll go 20 minutes early?! And fifth, Where is “Bob”?!!

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There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says,
"Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too."
"Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says,
"Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
High school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says,
"Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says,
"Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says,
"Not much. The Johnson twins are drunк again."

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Teacher: why is there a cat in here?
Kid: Beacuse I heard my daddy say to my mummy I'm going to eat that рussy when the kids are at school, so I'm saving him.
Teacher: ...

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As part of a school project on cultural diversity, my son invited a local Korean family around for dinner.
The school reckons it’s the first case of the homework eating the dog they’ve ever come across.

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“I know we’ve been married 40 years now, but tonight I’d like you to pretend to be a 13 year old schoolgirl.”
“Ewww you’re disgusting, get the fuск away from me you filthy pervert!”
“That’s the spirit, love.”

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A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinаl. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their ‘john thomases’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 4th.’ ‘No, ma’am,’ he replied, ‘I’m in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift.’

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I bumped into an old friend today with his son, who was wearing a school uniform.
I said to his son, “Wow, look how big you are getting. What year are you in?”
He said, “2015, like everyone else.”

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In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy:
"You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy:
"Probably the same way you got an F in English."

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

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I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
- --

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What do you call a stoner who is completing their PhD?
A Hypothesis

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A college coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn't pass the school's entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test оrаlly. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.
"Okay," the dean said. "What is seven times seven?"
The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said,
"I think it's 49."
Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. "Please, Dean," he begged, "give him another chance!"

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A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

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I see that in the US they’re complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way… but, honestly, what are the chances of a соw enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

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Bully: You're ugly, Why do you even bother coming to school.
You: I'm sorry i don't wake up every morning just to impress you.

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We need to stop teaching our children to sing the alphabet.
It took me 5 years to realise that ‘Elemeno’ wasn’t a letter.

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
Five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
Father and thy mother," she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered:
"Thou shall not кill."

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A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you?
“I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!”
The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”

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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.

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