School Jokes

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Me:
"May I go to the restroom."
Teacher:
"What for?"
Me:
"To Open The Chamber Of Secrets, What the hеll do you think?

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The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"

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Student: I would love for you to teach me a foreign language.
Teacher: Certainly. French, German, Russian, Italian, Spanish?
Student: Oh, which is the most foreign?

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Teacher: If you had 20p in one trouser pocket and 60p in the other, what do you have?
Pupil: Someone else’s trousers, miss.

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Teacher, "Martha, come to the blackboard and tell us on the world map where America is."
Martha point to America correctly.
Teacher, "Good. Now John, you tell us who discovered America"
John, "Martha just did"

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Yo' Mama is so old, Cleopatra signed her high school yearbook, "BFF."

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Two southern ladies are sitting at the country club by the pool. The first southern lady says,
"When I had my first child, my husband bought me a diamond ring." The second lady says,
"Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady says,
"When my second child was born, my husband took me on a cruise." The second lady says,"well isn't that nice The first lady continues, "When my third child was born, my husband took me on a trip around the world." And the second lady says, once again, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady asks, "Well, what did your husband get you when your first child was born?" The second lady repiles, "My husband sent me to finishing school." The first lady asks, "Well why did he do that?" And the second lady says,
"So I could learn to say ‘Well isn't that nice,’ instead of ‘F**K YOU’!"

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Teacher: Ok Billy, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Student: I wanna be the president!
Teacher: I don't thing you can.
Billy: ВIТСН, YOU SAID I COULD BE ANYTHING I WANTED!

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Mrs. Smith, I ain’t got no crayons.
Young man, you mean, I don’t have any crayons.
You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons.
They don’t have any crayons.
Do you see what I’m getting at?
I think so. What happened to all the crayons?

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“What would you like to be when you grow up Tommy?”
“I’d like to be a teacher, sir.”
“Would you, indeed? And why would you like to be a teacher?”
“Cause I wouldn’t have to do any more learning - I’d know everything by then!”

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A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. “What’s the problem Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes, it is,” replied Carol “I was sтuрid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”
“Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but his once I’ll let your just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Oh, but that won’t work,” said Carol, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked

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A Student wanting to measure something asks his teacher, "Sir, do you have a ruler?"
"Yes," answers the teacher, "She's at home watching the kids."

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There was a teacher who was shouting at his class because they were being lazy. "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you failed this math class," he said.
One of the kids rasies his hand, "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

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Whenever you think you would like to go back to your teenage years... think of Algebra!

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“What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?”
“She done her shopping, ma’am.”
“Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?”
“She done her shopping as well, ma’am.”

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A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.
One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."
Her little brother piped up, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom???"

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A mother sees her son watching television and says,
"Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your homework! Why are you watching television?"
Jimmy replies,
"It's okay, Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."

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Four southern ladies were sitting around having Вlооdy Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them. The first one says,
"My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring." But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said,
"Oh, how nice." The second woman says,
"Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat." But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said,
"Oh, how nice." So then the third woman says,
"Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz." And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick." So they all looked at the fourth woman and said,
"Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?" She replied, "He loves me so much that he bought me lesson to a charm school so I could learn to say 'Oh, how nice' instead of sarcastically saying 'Oh, ya, right' after everything you ladies say."

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A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.

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Two residents of the town voted the dumbest city in the United States went to the local library to find out the origins of this dubious honor. Pouring through the original charters and reproductions of documents on microfiche, they came to some stunning conclusions.
"They didn't even know how to plot out the parcels of land to establish the city limits," said Tom.
"And the first mayor didn't even graduate from high school," added William.
"Looks like they wrote out the township's constitution on toilet paper," Tom remarked.
"Yeah, and look at the picture of the first city council. Who drew question marks above their heads?" asked William.
"It seems like right from the beginning, stupidity was the order of the day." Tom lamented.
At the next council meeting Tom and William went before the citizens and told them everything they had learned about how their city had its initial beginnings. Needless to say, the town was dumbfounded.

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