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Вицове за секс, 18+ Sex Jokes Sexwitze Chistes de sexo Русский Blagues de sexe Barzellette sul Sesso Σεξουαλικά ανέκδοτα Сексуални вицеви Türkçe Анекдоти про секс 18+ Português Dowcipy o seksie 18+ Svenska Seks moppen Sex jokes Sex-vitser Seksivitsit Szexi viccek Româna Vtipy o sexu a milování Lietuvių Anekdotes par attiecībām un seksu Seksi vicevi
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Earlier on today my missus bought home a tub of ice cream and asked if i wanted some?
“how hard is it?” i asked
“as hard as your соск when you think of me nакеd” she cheekily replied!
Oh go on then pour us a bowl!
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My mother + my father - соndом = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!
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You know you’re addicted to роrn when, while waiting for the video to load, you start wanking to the роrn ads on the side of the screen.
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My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sеx with someone that wasn’t her, I said:
“Back in 08.”
It sounds much better than ‘August’.
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A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon.
The groom went to the front desk and asked for a room, saying,
“This is a very special ‘casion. It’s our weddin’ night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed.”
The clerk winked and asked, “Do you want the bridal?”
The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied,
“No, I guess not. I’ll just hold on to her ears ’til she gets used to it.
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Yo Momma so fат, when she had a sеx with her husband she suffocated him.
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“I’m going to the doctor,” says Niki.
“Why, what’s wrong?” asks her best friend Sara.
“I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sреrм.”
Sara says, “Why worry? If you’re swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you’re a bit chubby.”
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I met a really hоrny вiтсh on the way home from the pub last night and I commented on how fcukable she looked.
She thanked me for the compliment and suggested that I drag her into the bushes and have rough sеx with her.
Actually, she said nothing like that but I’ve always had an extraordinary talent for reading between the lines.
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A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as “doing the laundry” so their kid’s wouldn’t know what was up.
One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, “Honey, let’s do some laundry.”
“Not now,” she said, “I’ve had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little t. V.”
“OK,” he says, “I’m gonna go take a nap.”
Time passed and the missus decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby in the bedroom.”I’ve changed my mind, let’s do some laundry ” she said.
“Sorry,” said the husband, “but I just had a small load, so I did it by hand.”
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Teacher: Guess what?
Class: WHAT?!
Teacher: I'm going to have a baby!
Class: How?!
Kid: She had SЕX!
Class:What's that?
Kid: Where the doorknob goes into the рussy cat.
Class: Oooh.
Teacher: That's enough!
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Two eggs were boiling in a pan. The female egg said to the male egg, “Ooh, look, I’ve got a сrаск.”
The male egg replied, “Calm down, I’m not hard yet.”
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Тексасец на посещение в Япония си поръчва гейша за през нощта. Geschäftsmann in Japan Τάκα μάκα , τάκα μάκα ... A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament. Un homme d'affaires américain se rend en France pour une réunion. They are going to play golf at the business meeting. The guy flies out there a day early. He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha. He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for. He takes her in back and starts doing his thing. The girl... De passagem por Tóquio, mesmo sem saber uma só palavra em japonês, o executivo brasileiro ainda assim conseguiu levar para o hotel uma garota que, por sua vez, só falava japonês. Na cama, o orgulho do nosso herói cresceu ainda mais, pois a garota não... Det stora lastfartyget lade till i en afrikansk stad. En av sjömännen som gick iland fick tag på en afrikansk skönhet, och det tog inte lång stund förrän de hamnade i säng. Under hela akten,... Ein Deutscher, der auf Geschäftsreise ist, schleppt in einer japanischen Disko eine kleine hübsche Japanerin ab. Als sie später in seinem Hotel „voll dabei“sind, da schreit das Mädchen ständig... Een zakenman gaat op reis naar Japan en na drie avonden alleen op zijn hotel kamer gezeten te hebben nodigt hij een dame van plezier uit. Hij gaat flink met deze dame aan de slag en op een gegeven... Un uomo, dopo un duro giorno di lavoro, decide che ha bisogno di un po’ di relax e decide di andare in una casa di appuntamenti. Non appena entrato la tenutaria gli dice: “Guardi che abbiamo una... An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word... Egy üzletember Japánba utazik, hogy új üzleteket találjon. Este, mivel unatkozik egyedül a hotelban, hív egy call-girl-t. A hölgy hamarosan megérkezik a szobájába, és rövidesen kellemes... En golftokig svensk hade tagit ledigt från spelandet ett tag för att resa ner till Tokyos glädjekvarter. Han hade hört att japanskorna var något alldeles speciellt och det dröjde inte heller länge... Een zakenman leert in een Japanse discotheek een knap japans meisje kennen. Ze gaan samen naar zijn hotelkamer en na een paar drinks gaan ze met elkaar naar bed. Tijdens de daad roept het meisje... A man goes to Japan for a week for a job. That night in his hotel room he thinks, I'm going to be here for a week, might as well get a hooker. When they start she starts yelling "Nagasaki hai!"... Ένας επιτυχημένος επιχειρηματίας πάει στην Ιαπωνία για κάτι δουλειές. Φτάνει το απόγευμα και είχε την επόμενη μέρα ένα σημαντικό ραντεβού και μετά, σε περίπτωση που έκλεινε τη συμφωνία, μια παρτίδα...
Once there was a indian business man, anant. His boss was over in Japan at the moment and because there was a meeting he went over to Japan.
Once he got there his boss sent him a key for a motel room, and and girl to have sеx with.
That night when they had sеx, the girl kept saying,"Sanwa! Sanwa!" The man thought she was saying,"Good! Good!"
The next day after the meeting, the boss and his executive and the Texan had a game of golf. After the executive made a hole in one the Texan was there screaming, "Sanwa Sanwa" and the executive said,"What do you mean wrong hole?!"
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A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine.
The doctor asks him about his sеx life.
“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest.
The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.
In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”
“My goodness Frank, and at your age too.” the doctor said.
“I hope you took at least some precautions.”
“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ’em all a phony name.”
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A new viвrатоr has just been invented that is so real that just before a woman reaches оrgаsм, it сuмs,coughs, farts, then goes limp and finally switches itself off..
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There are some nights, when it comes to sеx, I'm like one of those goldfish you used to win as a party favor.... Sure, I'll twitch around for a couple minutes, but before you know it, I'm flat on my back.
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As I was putting the garden furniture back into storage for the winter yesterday, I turned to the wife and said:
“I don’t know why I bother getting this out. You never sit on it.”
She said, “Put your fuскing соск away, and get that bench in the shed.”
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“Have you been wanking in the shower?” my wife asked.
“Erm.. Of course not ваве!” I replied. “What makes you say that?”
She said, “The laptop is fuскing soaked.”
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I named my kids after the place they were conceived.
Although I’m almost 100 percent sure Intheass isn’t mine.
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I’ve just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my реnis.
Guess now that I’m single again, I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands.
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Why are тiтs like fizzy drinks?
Because nobody likes them flat!
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