Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

At least my massive sтrоке wasn’t all bad news.
My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

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Two bums walk along the road and come across a dead body. The first bums takes out his knife and cuts open the belly on the stiff. The stomach is filled with undigested pea soup so the вuм breaks out his spoon and starts eating “Aren’t you gonna have some?” He asks the second вuм.
“No way, that’s gross!”
Once вuм number one is done they move along but sure enough, after 10 minutes he throws up all that pea soup he ate. Now вuм number two breaks out his spoon and starts eating the hurl.
“What? Now you can eat it?!?”
“Yeah. I hate cold pea soup.”

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Gross Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate quickly, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper.
The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher felt that now wasn’t the right time to read the note and put it in his jacket pocket.
While speaking at the funeral, the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Checking his pocket, the Preacher said, “and you know what, I remembered that right before Marvin died, he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin, I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from.”
With that introduction, the Preacher pulled the note from his pocket and opened it…
The note said, “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I told my doctor, “My girlfriend thinks I’m paranoid.”
“What do you want me to do?” he asked.
I said, “Stop having sеx with her.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

My Doctor referred me to a shrink because of my mental state.
The shrink said, “So, you say that you think you’re a traffic light?”
I replied, “Let me just stop you there…”
“Go on.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

My grandma passed away on Christmas Eve.
In her will, she stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all of her favourite possessions.
Should have seen the cat’s face when they were nailing the coffin lid down.

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Christmas Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

An obese depressed mother is trying to tie a noose but can’t reach it so she calls her son for help a few minutes later
Son: there
Mother: where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
Son: dad showed me before he died
Mother: DAM HIM TO HE- slips and noose chokes her to death

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Sick and Death Jokes

My friend was рissеd of with me. I was sniffing his sisters knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward

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Sick and Death Jokes

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

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Food Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’

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Sick and Death Jokes

My Grandfather never threw anything away, bless him
He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade

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Military Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

When I die can someone play “Best Day Ever” during my funeral?

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Sick and Death Jokes

I comforted my friend about his wife’s death: until I found out who did it.

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Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

They say маsтеrватiоn is better with a dead arm
Apparently I ruined that funeral

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Sick and Death Jokes

A man shoots up a School and then fakes his own death, he then later returns to shoot up the same school, he repeats the prosses a few times untill the police catch him, when they ask why he did it, he replied “I wondered when you would check if i was still breathing”

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Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back
…
…
Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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Sick and Death Jokes

Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shiт Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggаs be evacuating like they need to.

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One-Liner Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say “You’re next”.
So I started poking them at funerals and saying “You’re next” to my friends.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna кill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

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Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes